From a Safe Distance Read Online Free PDF Page B

Max finds himself in a lecture theatre, addressing a group of medical students about the effects of suicide on hospital personnel. He is in a spotlight, on the platform. Their faces are in darkness; all he can see is a rough arc of light, which moves according to who is speaking, at the top of each head, lighting up hair as if there is a projector behind them. He begins: –
    â€œWhen someone dies like this, the people involved in her care cannot help feeling guilty. We always think we should have seen the signs and acted more quickly”.
    â€œBut we can’t see into their mind, can we, so what can we do?” A student in the front row blurts out.
    â€œExactly. If someone is really determined to do something, there is very little anyone can do about it. Criticism from outside is not helpful, nor is hindsight. They do nothing to assuage guilt. We have to absolve ourselves if we are to continue, in order to give the best care possible to our other patients. I have never experienced – and I hope I never do – the kind of difficulties, the mindset that leads to suicidal thoughts, so I cannot hope to appreciate how a patient was feeling on a daily basis”.
    The lecture theatre fades, the light returns to normal. But he still has a vague sense that Vee is watching him. There were plenty of reasons why he should
not
go on with some kind of investigation, especially with regard to confidentiality: he hoped he would not be put in an awkward positionregarding Vee. On the other hand, Vee did choose to make aspects of her life public in the first place by writing
Doors Closing
.

4
Turning a page
    It was his last day at Porteblanche. He had to remind Helen of that, when she started to ask him again what he had been doing working so late. She’d had to throw away his dinner last night and wasn’t happy. At breakfast he pointed out that from now on, she would be desperate to get him
out
of the house rather than back in it.
    The last ever ward round: Max felt a kind of excitement. Wearing a dark, smart suit for a change, he went down the stairs and reached the long, spacious corridor, a light green tube lit from the right by a pale afternoon sun. The echo of his footsteps as he made his way to the acute wards filled him with a sense of the importance of this moment in his life. He would probably only get to see two or three patients today who were ready for discharge, as his colleagues were already looking after the others.
    He was surprised at how his last day had crept up and was here, now. As he entered the first ward, Simon was just leaving.
    â€˜You won’t disappear at five, will you?’ the younger man said quietly.
    â€˜Why?’ Max raised his eyebrows in feigned innocence.
    â€˜Well, you never know, there might be drinks in it,’ he replied, tapping the side of his nose and heading for the door.
    â€˜More than one?’
    Simon grinned as he went out into the corridor. When the rounds on both acute wards were over, Max had cards and good wishes from the nurses, then champagne and gifts in the largest office upstairs.
    He was frogmarched up there by two nursing assistants, who announced: “We found this unsavoury character lurking on the wards!” A cheer went up. But because of the impending work concerning Vee, he didn’t feel as if he was really retiring.
    The office had looked bare as he shut the door for the last time, but he knew that a fresh young doctor would be moving in before long. He wished whoever it was the best of luck; he had seen a lot of changes during his career, some of them not for the better. The textbook he had used when training, by Slater and Roth, had emphasised the dignity of patients and inculcated respect for them in their suffering. Nowadays, he felt, basic kindness was sometimes forgotten, replaced by reliance on medication.
    He brought the fat folder home again of course, along with three boxes of books from his shelves. Helen’s