Fragments: Poems, Intimate Notes, Letters Read Online Free PDF Page B

act a joyful part when she felt sad, the need to concentrate harder, birthday greetings with all kinds of fanciful names (she loved inventing nicknames for her friends or herself), memories of her mother wanting to keep her out of the way, rules for life and work, reminders for fittings for a gala evening dress, instructions for her business partner Milton Greene, and, at the beginning of an address book, a list of instructions to be followed: in each text we glimpse a moment of her life, a character trait, signs of doubt or uneasiness, and, over and over, the desire to improve and transform herself.

     
    Aug 27
     
     
    I am restless and nervous and scattered and jumpy—a few minutes ago I almost threw a silver plate—into a dark area on the set—but I knew couldn’t afford to let out anything I really felt in fact I wouldn’t dare because I wouldn’t stop at that maybe. Just before that I almost threw up my whole lunch. I’m tired. I’m searching for a way to play this part I am depressed with my whole life since I first remember—How can I be such a gay young hopeful girl—What I am using is that one sunday when I was fourteen for I was all these things that day but—Why can’t I use it more consistently my concentration wavers most of the time—something is racing in me in the opposite direction to most of the days I can remember. I must try to work and work on my concentration—maybe starting with the simplest of things.

     
    Must make effort to do
    must have the discipline to do the following—
    z – go to class—my own always —without fail
    x – go as often as possible to observe Strasberg’s other private classes
    g – never miss my actors studio session
    v – work whenever possible—on class assignments—and always keep working on the acting exercises.
    u – start attending Clurman lectures—also Lee Strasberg’s directors’ lectures at theater wing— enquire about both
    l – keep looking around me—only much more so— observing —but not only myself but others and everything—take things (it) for what they (it’s) are worth.
    y – must make strong effort to work on current problems and phobias that out of my past has arisen—making much much much more more more more more effort in my analysis. And be there always on time—no excuses for being ever late.
    w – if possible take at least one class at university—in literature—
    o – follow RCA thing through.
    p – try to find someone to take dancing from—body work (creative)
    t – take care of my instrument—personally & bodily (exercise)
     
     
    try to enjoy myself when I can—I’ll be miserable enough as it is.
     
     
    Words—Find out their meanings
Wanderjahre —
pertaining somehow to the word Entsagung —(what does that mean to)? does it mean sacrifice.
à trois
does it mean like—probation
     
    Notes:
    The names in this address book, especially that of Milton Greene, would seem to indicate that it was bought in New York in 1955.
     
     
    Harold Clurman, theater director and drama critic, was one of the three founders of Group Theatre in New York in 1931 (along with Lee Strasberg).
     
     
    Marilyn Monroe signed a contract to record film songs with the RCA label in 1954.
     
     
    There is no obvious link between “Wanderjahre” (the wandering years) and “Entsagung” (renunciation), unless Marilyn is echoing her reading of Freud or Rilke.
     
     
    “À trois”/“threesome” bears at most a dubious connection with “probation.”

     
    12:00 Ceil Chapman—
    530 7th ave—
    4th floor tel # LA–4–5800
     
     
    Saturday Morning 12:00
    Sunday Night—Actors Benefit
    dinner for them somewhere? At least ask
    speak to Paula—about scenes for me in the future
     
     
    Monday Night
    Hair—instead of tues. have done
    on Mon. morning—also ask about
    comb out for Mon. night.
    Dress—
    Saturday afternoon 2:30
    Lee Strasberg matinee
    Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
    Sat Morn—Profile time call about then
    C.