Football Crazy Read Online Free PDF Page B

after him. He catches up with Gazza's car and taps on the window, and Gazza, thinking the bloke has perhaps realised he's gone a bit over the top and wants to apologise, winds the window down again, and the bloke says ‘You're worse than a twat, Gascoigne, leaving Newcastle for Spurs, you're a twatting bastard.' Gazza winds the window back up, the lights turn green, he drives off. Just down the road there's another set of traffic lights on red. Gazza pulls up and he sees in his rear mirror the bloke in the Newcastle United shirt still running after him. Gazza thinks, 'Oh bollocks to this', so he drops his trousers, and just as the bloke is about to tap on the window Gazza winds it down and sticks his bare arse out. And the bloke looks at Gazza’s bare arse and says, 'And as for you, Beardsley’....”
    Cook looked puzzled. “I don't get it.”
    “ Well Gazza stuck his bare arse out of the window and the bloke saw it and he said 'And as for you, Beardsley’....”
    “ What, you mean like he had a picture of Peter Beardsley painted on his arse?”
    “ What? No. The bloke thought it was Beardsley.”
    “ He thought it was Beardsley's arse?”
    “ No! Beardsley's face.”
    “ He thought Gazza's arse was Beardsley's face?”
    “ Yes!”
    Cook thought about it for a moment. “Why would he think it was Beardsley when he knew it was Gazza who was in the car?”
    “ Because Beardsley's such an ugly bastard, isn't he. He’s so ugly that when Gazza stuck his arse out the bloke thought it was Beardsley's face.”
    “ So Gazza's got an ugly arse, you mean?”
    “ What? No. Well yes, he might have I suppose….Oh piss off, Cooky.”
    Cook reflected on the joke for a moment before saying. “His wife's got a nice arse. Gazza's. His ex. Cheryl.”
    “ Yes, she has hasn't she.”

    A little to their right Steve Parks turned to Trevor Hanks. “See if there's any mud in my hair would you, Hanksy?”
    Hanks leaned over. “Let's have a butchers then.”
    As Parks lowered his head so Hanks could get a better look his long blonde hair cascaded down, forming a curtain in front of his face.
    The majority of today's footballers favour short hair, and many no hair at all. Not Parks. Parks knew that when you lose your hair you lose your beauty along with it, just as surely as Samson lost his strength the day that bitch Delilah visited his bedroom and gave him a number one while he was sleeping. David Ginola had it right. Ginola had known the score.
    To prove the point Parks had once taken a pair of scissors to a photograph of the French international and cut all his hair off. In Parks' opinion it took away at least seventy per cent of Ginola's Gallic good looks.
    The Blackburn midfielder Robbie Savage was another case in point. Deprive him of his flowing blonde mane and what you were left with would be more likely to frighten a child rather than attract a bit of fanny.
    He himself acknowledged that he wasn't much to look at, verging on decidedly dodgy, without his long hair, but with it...phwhooaaaaah, Parksy could pull with the best of them. Which is why he cherished it to such an extent that if a highwayman were ever to accost him and demand of him 'Your money or your hair!' Parks would have immediately emptied his pockets of all his cash and probably have invited his assailant to accompany him to the nearest hole-in-the-wall for a top up.
    When you love something as much as Parks loved his hair you tend to lavish attention on it, and in this regard Parks couldn't have lavished more attention on his hair if it had been Farrah Fawcett's hair in her Charley's Angel days. In fact it looked not unlike Farrah Fawcett's hair in her Charley's Angel days. Except that her hair was just blonde, it didn't have tawny streaks in it like his. And it wasn't as long or as wavy.
    Parks spent sixty pounds on the maintenance of his hair every week, not counting the cost of transport to Manchester, the nearest place to Frogley that had a hairdresser