Following My Toes Read Online Free PDF Page B

before.)
    What did I want? I wanted my life back to the way it had been, when I trusted people and took love for granted. More than anything, I mourned the loss of being a person who could do that.
     
    * * *
     
    Imagine being eleven years old, attending your first slumber party. You’re excited but scared, because before you left your mom told you in her sternest of voices you had to get some sleep because you are still recovering from a cold. You’re enough of a goody-goody that you take her words to heart, and balk when the other girls suggest sneaking out in the middle of the night to tee-pee Brian Montgomery’s house. (Brian is not only the cutest guy in the fourth grade, but an excellent kickball player.) Everyone else thinks it’s a great idea, except for this one quiet girl who lives across the street from Brian. She was sure her parents would find out and punish her.
    Mandy, the snotty host of the party, says, “If you two aren’t going to do this with us, then leave!”
    So you do. But you can’t go home because your parents and your sister have gone to your grandma’s, and will be gone all night. The quiet girl’s parents say you can stay over with them. Suddenly this girl you never took the time to get to know is showing you how to make s’mores over the gas fireplace. Then you give each other makeovers with her mom’s discarded beauty products, and stay up late enough to watch Saturday Night Live. And although the next morning your mom is disappointed   you got no sleep, it turns out to have been worth it. Because on Monday you have a new best friend.
    Through the years she is the one you rely upon. You tell each other all your secrets, share your victories, and your defeats. And other than the time in the 8th grade when you both had a crush on Mark Terrance, your bond is unbreakable. (He had asked you out instead of her, and she didn’t speak to you for 3 months. You only had the one date him with; afterwards you agree to never let a guy come between you again.) Besides your immediate family, your friendship is the most important relationship in your life.
    That is, until you meet him. He’s everything you ever fantasized about, even though you are acutely aware of his flaws. But he rubs your shoulders at the end of the day. He actually listens to the stories you tell him about your students, and adopts funny voices for them that make you laugh. He cooks you chicken parmesan from his mother’s recipe, which is good even though the sauce is made with Campbell ’s tomato soup. All of these little moments add up to a relationship, and you realize you are happy.
    You still need and value your best friend as much as ever, but feel guilty because having something she doesn’t separates you. Then her father dies, and there are two more men in your life than there are in hers. So she steals one of them from you, which ought to make things even.
    But it doesn’t. You’re left wondering how much of this is your fault, which moments you should have played differently. You feel so changed on the inside that you are surprised every time you notice your reflection and it’s still the same. The worst part hasn’t been los-ing your boyfriend or your best friend, but yourself. Being hurt this way changes everything.
     
    * * *
     
    I told my mom and dad I would work for them, and I even tried to sound enthusiastic. The school year was going to end in a couple of weeks, and I was preparing to pack up my stuff for the summer. Then, one evening, my old college roommate Carolyn called.
    “How are you holding up?” she asked. A couple of weeks before I had told her about Peter and Lacey.
    “Okay,” I said, which was sort of true. I had at least managed to get past my mopey stage. “I decided to work for my parents this summer.”
    “Why?” she asked. “A couple summers ago you swore you’d never work there again.”
    “I know,” I sighed. “But I need something to do. I didn’t plan ahead to get a