Five Things I Can't Live Without Read Online Free PDF

know I didn’t ask you to live here the right way. It should have been more of a thing, an event.” He looked at me intently. “It was like we just brokered a deal. I should have told you that I wanted you to live here so you could be the central part of my life. I should have told you it was because you matter the most.”

    I teared up. “I feel that way, too.”

    “I just wouldn’t have done what you did. But maybe it was right for you.”

    “It felt right. Just gut-level right.”

    “I hear that. But I’m big on backup plans. And sweetie, I love you, but you ain’t got any.”

    “I know.”

    “I can try to help you come up with some.”

    “I’d like that.” I kissed him. “Thank you.”

    We didn’t sleep together that night.

    Rationally, I knew that wasn’t a big deal. Couples of six months don’t necessarily have sex every time they see each other. People have differing sex drives, and there are couples who have sex once a year, and if both people are satisfied with that, it’s a perfectly fine arrangement.

    See, I knew all that. And this was not the first time we’d slept in the same bed and not had sex. But it was the first time we’d had a meaningful conversation that ended with us validating the great love that we shared, and
then
climbed into bed and went immediately to sleep. Rather, Dan went right to sleep. I lay there wondering why he hadn’t reached for me. Was he disgusted by my impulsiveness? Despite his declarations that he wanted me to be more a part of his life, did he doubt that I was a worthy partner? Was he regretting the decision for me to move in?

    Or was he just tired? Could it possibly be that simple?

    I reminded myself that for Dan, it absolutely could be that simple. He wasn’t the one lying awake contemplating the state of our relationship. There was no evidence that he had stopped loving me during the course of the evening. There was no evidence that I had become repugnant or that he had lost his potency. We just weren’t having sex that night, simple as that.

    But why?
Why weren’t we having sex?

    Sex was one of my habitual areas of overthinking. It was probably because the act of sex meant so much to me; it was when my brain shut off temporarily and sensation took over. Sex with someone I love is the best respite from meta-life.

    I also subscribe to the “sex as the barometer of the relationship” theory. That means I look at the duration, connection, calculation, level of inventiveness, and overall quality of the sex; I try to read these like tea leaves. I’ve gotten better at recognizing the normal pattern of six-week fall-off and then the three-month fall-off, and I’ve stopped worrying about them as much as I used to. The later spikes and lulls, though, still tend to get way too much attention.

    I was well aware that all that thinking was anathema to the delightful thoughtlessness of good sex itself, but I had cause to be wary. I’d had four relationships that ended at almost exactly one year. Each time, we started with strong chemistry that progressed to love and ended with me having almost no sex drive at all. And when my sex drive was low, so was my tolerance for my boyfriends’ peccadilloes. I’d get critical of them, then I’d get critical of myself for being critical of them, and the whole relationship inevitably soured like milk. But I was determined to do it differently with Dan. This time I would crack the code of my meta-sex life, and everything would fall into place.

    Dan let out a snort and rolled onto his back. I thought about waking him up by going down on him. Then we could have sex and I could, literally, put all these thoughts to bed. But did I actually want to have sex, or did I just want to prove something? Would I be using sex to quiet my head?

    Oh, who cared? I sunk down under the covers, and reached for him.

    Chapter 3

NORA
Age:

29
Height:

5‘6”
Weight:

130 lbs
Occupation:

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