Finding Cait Read Online Free PDF Page B

he
put his knee between my legs the need I had for him overrode any insecurity I
had and I melted under his touch. I met his tongue with mine and allowed my
hands to feel every inch of his skin I could find.  When he pressed
himself against me I couldn’t help myself and a small moan escaped my
mouth.   
        
Matt pulled away quickly and I knew I had messed something up; clearly he was
far more experienced than I was.  He rested his forehead on mine, steadied
his breath and I wanted to say I was sorry but knew the words would not come
out without tears.  When he walked across the street back to his house I
prayed that he would forget what happened, forget I didn’t know what I was
doing.  The pain of my heartbreak was so intense, I struggled to breath
and not double over with the pain that started in my broken heart and radiated
through my body.  I promised myself I would never tell anyone about it and
in return I prayed I would stop feeling like I was being pulled to him, wanting
the touch of his skin.
        
A few months later I kissed Elliot and I knew right away that it would never be
like the kiss I shared with Matt.  I loved kissing Elliot, but he never
made me feel like I was going to unravel with his touch and to this day I have
never met anyone that has made me tremble the way Matt did. I can’t explain how
I knew my heart would never make a complete recovery after Matt. As time passed
and Elliot and I went farther I told myself that what I felt with Matt was just
the excitement of a first kiss and if we had gone further it would have felt
the same as it did with Elliot. 
        
Now I am sitting on the bed as Matt holds my chin up, feeling embarrassed once
again by my reaction to him.  Closing my eyes I say a silent prayer that
my heart can just let him go.  Hen I leave this place I want nothing left
in my heart but peace.  I open my eyes and silently beg him to understand
that the pain he is seeing was not inflicted by his statement, but instead the
years of lying to myself about being in love with Elliot and the pain of wasted
time and unshared loss. 
        
“Please don’t cry.  I shouldn’t have said that,” Matt says looking into my
eyes.
        
“Trust me, if I could stop I would have stopped wasting tears a long time
ago.  I am not mad that you said it, it’s very nice to hear, but I am just
such a mess being here with Court.”  I can feel his rough hand on my skin
as I look into his eyes.  His gaze drops to my lips then back to my
eyes.  He stands up quickly and steps back.
        
“Being here with her is excruciating.  Every muscle in my body wants to
run away, to leave and hear about her death from far way and removed from the
weight of it.  She wouldn’t do that to me so I can’t do that to her. 
I have no idea how to watch my sister die.”
        
I want to reach out to him, to hold him and offer him comfort but I
can’t.  I know if I make that connection I will only being hurting both of
us.  While he still feels like an extension of my soul just like his
sister, I am not a healthy person and I am nowhere near a balanced center. 
Barely walking the line is where I am, with the danger of falling over and
losing my internal strength to stay here until the end.  I need to do this
for her.
        
“I think she wants us to watch her live.  She wants us all to be together
as she lives her last days and as hard as it is going to be to watch her die, I
think it is harder on her to have to leave us.  We need to pull ourselves
together or she will be the one taking care of us.”  I grab my bag and
begin digging through it nervously knowing he is watching me still.
        
“You’re right.  We should have some fun while she still can.  I am
going to need a few stiff drinks to get through these next few days.  What
do you say after a shower we head into town and get some drinks at Pete’s
Place?”  For the first time I see a smile reach