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response. Entered me. And I felt a change settle between us. Like he knew I wouldn’t come.
    Like he knew I’d changed.
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    When changes happen to me, they rush through my entire being without thought, there’s a before and an after. Sometimes, I’d get this, I don’t know, a shiver flooding across my body, every where on my body, then the sensations vanished.
    In the earlier days, when change smacked me without warning, I’d not even realize I’d changed for days, occasionally weeks, until a moment when I just knew things were different. Now I know immediately. At first…it’s not something a word describes, my body…okay, my body vibrates. And I know. Change has come upon me.
    Of course, the real work is figuring out what’s changed.
    In my Ritalin days, when I really popped a lot of Ritalin, I’d do a lot of crazy things. One of my favorite personal dares was to get close to the railroad track when a train came barreling down toward me. I’d stand so close the ground vibrated and my bones vibrated, I’d stand as close as I’d dare, depending on how much Ritalin I’d popped.
    I got the idea from an old William Holden and Mickey Rooney movie, I think it was about Korea, I think the name involved some bridges with an Asian name like Tokoriko. But somebody in that movie would stand on back of the aircraft carrier right near the spot where the plane launch piston would slam to a halt. I can’t even remember how the piston worked, but when a jet waslaunched, this piston propelled it off the carrier deck, and this guy, it might have been William Holden, but I don’t remember, anyway, he had things figured out to the inch of where that piston would come to a complete stop. And the guy would stand there, he’d scratched a long metal marking on the deck, he’d put his boot toes right up against that marking and wait for the piston to whoooooooshBAM and stop just in front of him.
    I never felt responsible for what I did when I was on a Ritalin high.
    At least, not until I met a woman who took fifteen times as much Ritalin as I did, she’d grind it up into a powder in a blender shake with pineapple, mangoes, and half a Snickers bar.
    And then drink the whole thing. Do that four times a day.
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    â€œI’ve got to do this,” Nathan said later. Tearing one-inch strips of a penny-saver newspaper, crinkling them between his fingers. “Go back to the rez. Take in this boy, he’s got no family. Nobody wants him.”
    â€œWhy are you doing this to me?” I said.
    â€œTo you? I’m not doing anything to you, I’m helping a boy.”
    â€œBring him here,” I said. “We’ll raise him here.”
    â€œMade a promise.”
    â€œYou’ve promised me, Nathan. You promised you’d live here. With me.”
    â€œPromised my elder aunt Sophie I’d take care of the boy. In the traditional ways, that’s my word to Sophie.”
    â€œYou’ve given me your word. To live here. Live with me.”
    â€œBoy’s got problems.”
    â€œI’ve got a problem.”
    â€œYou kicked your drug habit,” Nathan said. “I’ve promised Sophie I’d raise the boy in traditional ways.”
    â€œPlease stop shredding the newspaper.”
    He looked at his hands, he’d not even realized what he was doing. Dropped the newspaper, picked up a thick rubber band, and started twisting it between his fingers, stretching his hands over a foot apart as though he thought he could make a cat’s cradle from the rubber band.
    â€œWhen are you leaving?” I said finally.
    â€œOh.” He folded the rubber band around his left wrist, twisted and folded it two more times. “I guess…. I guess I was waiting until I told you.”
    â€œHow long has it taken you to say that?”
    He shrugged.
    â€œOkay,” I said. “You’ve told me. I still don’t want