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when people told him he was a pessimist. ‘I am a realist. I just like to be prepared for every possible situation.’
    Which of course he wasn’t, otherwise he wouldknow that Princess Floridian was determined to find Excalibur and take over the world. 9

    The Great Throne of Kings was the biggest chair that had ever been made. In the Dark Ages the Kings had been great big lumpy people. That was how they had become King, by sitting on all their enemies until they were overcome with dead. But over the last few generations, in the sort of grey space between the Dark Ages ending and the Days of Yore beginning, the Kings had got smaller. They had stopped sitting on people, except for fun that is, and gone over to the hereditary system where the new King did not have to be stronger or cleverer or have any qualifications at all to become King. 10 All he had to do now was be the son of the existing King.
    Being a skinny boy of eleven, King Arthur couldn’t actually climb up onto the throne so there was a short delay while a peasant was fetched, scrubbed down and made to lie on the ground in front of the throne. Arthur still couldn’t reach and it took a pile of seven peasants neatly piled up to form a small staircase before he could finally clamber up onto the big red cushion.
    It hadn’t just been the Kings who had got smaller. So had everyone else. By the time they had set everything up so the Archbishop and his two assistants and the Lord Chamberlain were in place, there was a pile of forty-two peasants scattered around the throne. There had been frantic begging and arm-waving when volunteers had been called for to form the human stage. It wasn’t just the luxury of being scrubbed down, a luxury most peasants could only dream of, or the promise of three potatoes every single week forever, 11 but the honour of serving their new King in such a proud and noble way.
    As the crowd looked on in awed silence, theArchbishop took the Great Crown of Avalon and placed it on Arthur’s head. Being so small, the crown not only fell right past his head, it actually slipped down over his shoulders, pinning his arms to his sides. Two handmaidens were called to stand behind the new King, holding up the crown so it looked like it was sitting in the right place.
    â€˜Blah, blah, blah, yea, verily blah, blah, blah,’ droned the Archbishop.
    No one was actually listening to a single word he was saying, but every time he paused for breath, the crowd let out a great cheer.
    â€˜Blah, blah, blah, pronounce you King,’ the Archbishop said and fell to his knees to kiss the King’s hand.
    â€˜Great,’ said Arthur. ‘Can we start the party now?’
    â€˜Yes, please,’ whimpered the two handmaidens, whose arms were burning with pain.
    Arthur stood up, the peasants rearranged themselves and he climbed down to the ground.

 
    King Arthur and all his top guests sat in a semicircle eating pleasant pheasant sandwiches and Special Royal Ginger Beer while a string of entertainers entertained them. First off was –

    12
    â€˜I say, I say, I say, a very funny thing happened to me on my way here today,’ said the Jester. ‘No seriously, it did. We was coming here on the Chelmsford Stage when we was held up by highwaymen. No, hold on. I’ll start again. I say, I say, I say, a very scary thing happened to me on my way here today, No, no, don’t laugh.’
    No one did.
    â€˜Well, I say highwaymen, but really they was highway children, a weedy little boy and a weedy little dragon. No, missus, I kid you not. And they had, wait for it, they had a big lumbering potato with themwho upturned the stagecoach and robbed us. Put all our valuables in a bucket and made off with them. Actually, now I think back, it wasn’t very funny thing at all. It was really scary and I was really frightened. No, I mean, don’t laugh.’
    Everyone did.
    â€˜No, no,’ said Malmsley as the