mask of cheerfulness. Her urgent fingers and tongue touched me delightfully all over and, copying what she must have seen or heard somewhere, she took my penis in her mouth.
Several of the girls a couple of years older than her in thevolleyball club, and one girl who was only one year ahead, had already had sex with their high school boyfriends. With them as her guide, Kaori told me that we could do it the following year. But for me, I didn’t care if we actually had sex or not. What we were doing was the height of happiness.
Kaori wanted me with her whole body.
“I’m only happy when you’re here,” she said, touching me with her hands as though checking my shape. “When you breathe like that, when you’re thinking, just because you’re there.”
For the first time I felt that I was allowed to exist without excuse or darkness or distortion. Apart from the hours I spent with her, everything was a waste of time. The TV news, lessons, my classmates’ conversations, all forms of entertainment, they all seemed dull and didn’t touch me. But as long as Kaori was there, as long as she was in the world, that was all right. If I had her glossy, black hair, her small face with large eyes and narrow lips, her budding breasts, her slender legs and ankles, her voice, our idle chatter, that was all I needed.
One day, however, Kaori didn’t come. I thought this was strange and went to her room. She was asleep and I didn’t want to wake her, so I returned to my own bed. The next day, too, she was sleeping. On the third day I couldn’t stand it anymore and I roused her with a whisper. I kissed her, feeling that I shouldn’t but unable to resist. At first she responded, but soon she suggested quietly that we’d better not do it that day. She was trembling slightly, and I got the impression that it was because of me. Dumbfounded, I had no idea what to do. I apologized over and over, and then left, wondering if I’ddone something wrong. When I finally got into bed my head was churning, reviewing my recent behavior for faults. Even though I was still bewildered, I found myself growing hard. I dealt with it, imagining Kaori’s body, and then lay there vacantly. Whatever the reason, I thought, I had to know, and once again made my way hesitantly to her room. She wasn’t there.
I waited, but she was away too long just to be in the bathroom. Perhaps she’d gone into the garden. I went into the hall and headed towards the back, careful not to wake the servants. Recently several cats had made their home in our yard, and Kaori often fed them from the kitchen door. For some reason I paused outside my father’s room. He had come home about two weeks ago. Heart pounding, I quietly opened the door. The yellow light from the desk lamp was shining on Kaori, standing there stark naked, while my father lay fully clothed on the bed some distance away, staring at her.
I nearly cried out, thought I actually did cry out, but somehow no sound came out. Kaori stood shaking in front of my revolting father. When he told her to open her legs, she sat down where she was and did so, face averted. On the table beside the bed was a bottle of whiskey. He ordered her to look at him and she obeyed with a shudder.
I couldn’t move. This was the fear I had forgotten. My pulse grew painful, my arms and temples went numb, my legs became horribly weak. But I had to overcome this terror and kill my father. I didn’t know how, but I had to kill my father right now. With a sudden feeling of hatred that I’d never experienced before, I opened the door. No, I thought I did, but in reality my arms didn’t move. Just as I was wondering why itwas still only open a crack, even though I was sure I’d pushed it, Father told Kaori that was it for tonight, and she started getting dressed. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I stood rooted to the spot.
She finished putting her clothes on and I came to my senses and fled, leaving the door ajar. I
Several of the girls a couple of years older than her in thevolleyball club, and one girl who was only one year ahead, had already had sex with their high school boyfriends. With them as her guide, Kaori told me that we could do it the following year. But for me, I didn’t care if we actually had sex or not. What we were doing was the height of happiness.
Kaori wanted me with her whole body.
“I’m only happy when you’re here,” she said, touching me with her hands as though checking my shape. “When you breathe like that, when you’re thinking, just because you’re there.”
For the first time I felt that I was allowed to exist without excuse or darkness or distortion. Apart from the hours I spent with her, everything was a waste of time. The TV news, lessons, my classmates’ conversations, all forms of entertainment, they all seemed dull and didn’t touch me. But as long as Kaori was there, as long as she was in the world, that was all right. If I had her glossy, black hair, her small face with large eyes and narrow lips, her budding breasts, her slender legs and ankles, her voice, our idle chatter, that was all I needed.
One day, however, Kaori didn’t come. I thought this was strange and went to her room. She was asleep and I didn’t want to wake her, so I returned to my own bed. The next day, too, she was sleeping. On the third day I couldn’t stand it anymore and I roused her with a whisper. I kissed her, feeling that I shouldn’t but unable to resist. At first she responded, but soon she suggested quietly that we’d better not do it that day. She was trembling slightly, and I got the impression that it was because of me. Dumbfounded, I had no idea what to do. I apologized over and over, and then left, wondering if I’ddone something wrong. When I finally got into bed my head was churning, reviewing my recent behavior for faults. Even though I was still bewildered, I found myself growing hard. I dealt with it, imagining Kaori’s body, and then lay there vacantly. Whatever the reason, I thought, I had to know, and once again made my way hesitantly to her room. She wasn’t there.
I waited, but she was away too long just to be in the bathroom. Perhaps she’d gone into the garden. I went into the hall and headed towards the back, careful not to wake the servants. Recently several cats had made their home in our yard, and Kaori often fed them from the kitchen door. For some reason I paused outside my father’s room. He had come home about two weeks ago. Heart pounding, I quietly opened the door. The yellow light from the desk lamp was shining on Kaori, standing there stark naked, while my father lay fully clothed on the bed some distance away, staring at her.
I nearly cried out, thought I actually did cry out, but somehow no sound came out. Kaori stood shaking in front of my revolting father. When he told her to open her legs, she sat down where she was and did so, face averted. On the table beside the bed was a bottle of whiskey. He ordered her to look at him and she obeyed with a shudder.
I couldn’t move. This was the fear I had forgotten. My pulse grew painful, my arms and temples went numb, my legs became horribly weak. But I had to overcome this terror and kill my father. I didn’t know how, but I had to kill my father right now. With a sudden feeling of hatred that I’d never experienced before, I opened the door. No, I thought I did, but in reality my arms didn’t move. Just as I was wondering why itwas still only open a crack, even though I was sure I’d pushed it, Father told Kaori that was it for tonight, and she started getting dressed. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I stood rooted to the spot.
She finished putting her clothes on and I came to my senses and fled, leaving the door ajar. I