Every Love Story Is a Ghost Story: A Life of David Foster Wallace Read Online Free PDF Page B

Street Blues,
on Thursday nights. Soap operas, though—another favorite with their exaggerated plots and larger-than-life personalities—he was too embarrassed to turn on. In general he did not like being watched watching, and if others were there he’d pass by. Yet it was a welcome bit of routine, a nice refuge from the excess of interactions that communal living brought.
    Costello and Wallace sat down at 5:15 at the same table most nights in the Valentine Dining Hall, united in their need to study. During exam periods, Wallace added a second tea bag to his cup of coffee. He’d down the caffeinated drink and go off to the library. (On Sundays he’d be waiting on the steps for the librarians to open after brunch.) Then after the library closed, he and Costello would calm down with a shot of scotch. “I think this is a two-shot night,” Wallace would sometimes say. At various times, he gave up pot, saying it was bad for his lungs. He caught some of Costello’s enthusiasm for political history. He already knew trivia about Illinois politics, about Big Jim Thompson and the Stevenson dynasty that produced the two-time presidential candidate Adlai. Now he set his eye on interning for his congressman, Ed Madigan. With Costello, another friend, Nat Larson, and a fifteen-year-old freshman name Corey Washington, he joined the school debate team. Wallace was afraid of public speaking—his voice was reedy and got stuttery when he was nervous—but he participated because being on the team would look good on his transcript if he applied to law school. They traveled up and down the East Coast competing. Chris Coons, another member of team, remembers Wallace as brilliant and funny in competition, with “literally the worst delivery I have ever heard—mumbling and awkward and turned away from the judges and audience.” Wallace in turn denigrated him as the “Coonsgah” and amused his friends with a mean imitation of the future senator from Delaware.
    The first semester Wallace again aced everything, with an A-plus in introduction to philosophy. He also got an A in his English class, his mother’s field. He told friends he wanted to please both parents.

     
    Wallace came back to school early in January. He had left with high hopes and a sense of growing happiness, but when he got back he told Costello that Christmas had been “bad.” He would not be more specific. His banter, his roommate saw, had vanished. He seemed unresponsive. The impersonations were gone; Costello was surprised—he did not know that Wallace’s clowning and showing off were, if more than a façade, not quite a self. He was amazed—but Wallace was amazed too. He was familiar with his anxiety and may even have associated it with depression, but this was a more intense version of whatever he had routinely dealt with in high school; it was as if some switch in him had been flipped. He felt despair and thought of killing himself. He held on for a few weeks, trying to white-knuckle his way back to being himself. But one day William Kennick, a professor of philosophy who had been his father’s mentor, saw what was going on—he was familiar with depression from his own family—and took Wallace to see a therapist. Shortly after, Costello came into their room to find his roommate slumped over, his gray suitcase between his legs. Wallace was dressed in a Chicago Bears watch cap and tan parka. “I have to go home,” he told Costello. “What’s wrong?” Costello asked. “I don’t know. Something’s wrong with me,” he said. He was hugely apologetic and told Costello he was worried the college would slot someone awful into the room once he left. “I’ve let you down,” he told his roommate. Costello thought it was strange that Wallace kept focusing on him. Wasn’t Wallace the one in distress? In silence he walked his roommate to the bus to Springfield, which would take Wallace to the airport.
    Wallace’s parents took their son in and put him back