Downtrodden Abbey: The Interminable Saga of an Insufferable Family Read Online Free PDF

pattern baldness. It has softened her, and afforded her a much greater sense of empathy and tenderness.
    “Mind your own business, you old bat,” Isabich snarls tenderly.
    *   *   *
    Snooping in the closet of a housemaid, Wren, a wrapped package intrigues Tyresom. Finally, he can stand it no longer, and he confronts her.
    “It is a book,” Wren confides. “On … how to write screenplays.”
    She explains that it is her fervent desire to create scenarios for motion pictures.
    “That Chaplin gentleman who stayed here last summer encouraged me greatly. He claimed I had a natural ear for dialogue, and that he thoroughly enjoyed my story presentations. He firmly believed they were interesting enough for him to perform in someday. He also promised to introduce me to the head of a studio.”
    “Is there anything you are leaving out?” Tyresom asks.
    “Oh, yes. Then he screwed me and told me he was in love with me. Though he left without saying goodbye or leaving a tip.”
    Tyresom has heard tales of the picture industry, and wonders if his young colleague knows what she is getting herself into.
    “It all sounds well and good now, Wren. But from what I understand, the picture business is one in which canines eat canines. What happens when your agent fails to answer your letters?”
    “All I know is, screenwriters must receive better treatment than maids … don’t they?”
    “I wouldn’t count on it.”
    Tyresom confides in Wren that back in the day he plied the screenplay trade himself, despite (a) that motion pictures had not yet been invented, and (b) his parents’ protestations that he take up any other line of work before writing, including selling himself down by the docks.
    When the time came for him to file his application for the butler position at Downtrodden Abbey, Tyresom knew that he must keep his sordid past a secret.
    Still, he does have a couple of projects he is developing, if one is ever interested in sitting down and hearing them.
    RULES OF APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR IN THE EDWARDIAN AGE
    At the Table
    Mustachioed gentlemen should avoid the consumption of soup, as the likelihood of one doing so in an effective manner that does not nauseate his fellow diners is quite slim. Mustachioed women are requested not to order soup either, or to appear in public in the first place. Mustachioed children should be brought to a physician.

    Months after the meal in question, it was commonplace for gentlemen to find remnants in their beards.
    Eating quickly is encouraged, as there are seven meals served each day. Slurping and chomping are the simplest ways to force food down the gullet.
    Sliced bread should be no thicker than the guests at the table.
    Women’s Rights (and Wrongs)
    A good hostess shakes hands with her guests, unless said guests do not have hands, in which case an alarmed stare is considered acceptable.
    The hemline of a woman’s dress should be high enough for a medium-sized mouse to walk under, but low enough to deter an adult possum from the same pursuit.
    Women with mice and possum problems should not be concerned with the length of their hemlines, and instead be taking measures to rectify their pest issues.
    Mice and possum wearing dresses should only be found in Beatrix Potter books. Women finding rodents in human clothing should not encourage this practice.
    The wearing of rodent costumes by women should be limited to school holiday pageants.
    Couture
    When choosing to wear ostrich feathers in the hair, women should make certain that the ostrich in question is not still attached.
    Men wearing ostrich feathers may experience public humiliation. Ostrich feathers should be secreted inside the trousers, which will produce a pleasant, and quite possibly arousing, sensation.
    Gentlemen
    Cheating at gin rummy is considered grounds for caning, whilst cheating in one’s marriage, if done surreptitiously, is perfectly allowable. Go figure.
    Singing and whistling on city streets is a punishable