Don't Kiss Girls and Other Silly Stories Read Online Free PDF Page B

strapped securely under my flannelette shirt, say ‘no way’ to some girls who want to cover my face with make-up, and wait beside Gavin, who’s dressed in his best tree outfit.
    Ashleigh glides up. She’s wearing a short denim skirt and a cowboy hat.
    â€˜You look nice, Gav,’ she says. ‘Very green.’
    â€˜Thanks.’
    â€˜And as for you …’ She puts a hand on my shoulder. ‘You look sexy. Like a hot country boy.’
    It feels like a special force is travelling through her arm and into my brain, making it turn to mush.
    But when she lets go and starts walking away, my brain comes alive again.
    â€˜Ashleigh!’ I call out.
    She turns.
    â€˜Remember the kiss.’
    She smiles. ‘I’m looking forward to it.’
    Right befor e show time Kane comes over. I know he’s jealous of the fact that while he only gets a one-verse solo, I sing two songs on my own plus do a duet with Ashleigh, but there’s nothing he can say or do that can ruin things for me now. I can’t help it if I’m the more talented one.
    â€˜You look like a country hick,’ he says, pulling at my chequered shirt.
    I point to the fake axe he’s holding. ‘Yeah, well, you look like a woodchopper who can’t chop wood.’
    â€˜Say this,’ he says. ‘How much wood would a woodchopper chop if a woodchopper could chop wood?’
    â€˜Easy,’ I say. ‘How much wood would a chopper chop if a chupachup could chop wood?’
    â€˜Wrong!’
    â€˜Was not.’
    We eye each other off for a moment, and then our faces crack open like a safe. We always could laugh together.
    He puts out his hand and I reach forward and shake it.
    â€˜Break a leg out there,’ he says.
    â€˜Huh?’
    â€˜That’s actor talk for “good luck”.’
    â€˜I knew that,’ I say.
    As he walks off, I check that the MP3 remote is in my pocket. That’s all I need to make sure I break a leg. As I’m searching for it, I accidentally press the ‘play’ button and the singing starts. ‘I was born a gamblin’ man …’ But it’s not my normal singing voice, or should I say, it’s not Simon’s normal singing voice. It sounds more like Britney on some sort of weird drug. Before I can think to turn it off there’s a ‘rrrrr’ sound, like a sick dog, and then the singing stops.
    Kane turns around. ‘Are you right?’
    â€˜Yeah,’ I say, patting myself on the chest. ‘Just a few nerves. I might have to visit the dunny can.’
    On the way to the loo I hear Miss Mason yell, ‘One minute! One minute to show time!’
    I lock myself in a stall and try to fix the MP3 player, but it’s no good. It’s as dead as my pet guinea pig.
    Someone comes in and says, ‘Tony? Are you in here?’
    It’s Mr Relf.
    â€˜Tony? You need to hurry.’ He’s knocking on the door.
    I put on my best acting voice. ‘Sir, I’m feeling sick. I can’t get up.’
    â€˜Probably just nerves. Just come out, will you?’
    I put my hand under my armpit and make some short, sharp sounds. ‘No, I mean I can’t get up.’
    He groans. ‘How long do you think you’ll be? You’re not on until the middle of the first act, but that’s not long.’
    â€˜Sir, can you do me a favour? If you get my little brother, Simon, I think I’ll feel better soon. He’s one of those psycho healers.’
    â€˜You mean psychic?’
    â€˜No, I mean psycho.’
    It’s not long before Mr Relf and Simon burst into the toilet.
    â€˜Sir, can you wait outside?’ I say to Relfy. ‘Simon can’t do his healing with other people in the room. Too much mental interference.’
    â€˜Okay, but hurry!’ he says. ‘You’re on in less than five minutes.’
    â€˜Crawl under the doo r,’ I say to Simon once Relfy