Don't Call Me Mother Read Online Free PDF Page B

single life in Chicago. I keep listening to her, checking to see if I’m right. Deep in my bones I know that my mother won’t rescue me. Heavy with disappointment, I just watch her, wondering what I’ve done wrong to make her not want me. At the train station, Mother’s soft cheek against mine, I want to tell her everything and run onto the train with her, but I know I can’t. She steps onto the train and waves cheerily while I stare miserably at her, trying not to cry.
    Instantly, Vera’s face returns to its usual scowl. She puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes hard. “Big girls don’t cry.”
    The train is a trembling silver beauty, yellow and red stripes wrapping around the engine. The Santa Fe Super Chief has come from the west with a real Indian wrapped in a blanket. He stands beside the engine, silent and imposing, his eyes dark and mysterious. The train gathers itself and whistles, shattering the evening, and then speeds off with an earthshaking rumble. In the silence that follows, I realize that I’m on my own forever.
     
    I get a second chance to be rescued when my father visits. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him. I can’t exactly remember his face, but at the train station he recognizes me and scoops me up in his strong arms, whirling me and spinning the world. He smells like spicy aftershave and makes me giggle when his beard scrapes my face. Daddy talks with a drawl and has good Southern manners. He shakes Vera’s hand heartily and introduces his wife, Hazel. She smiles shyly and speaks in a soft voice. I am disappointed that he is with her. I wanted to see him alone so I could tell him about Vera.
    Vera serves coffee and cookies, acting every bit like the polite person she appears to be to the world. They’d never guess what she’s like with kids, especially me. Right in front of her, Daddy asks me if I’m happy. I fix a smile on my face and say yes, oh yes, so happy, feeling sick inside. All afternoon I watch the adults laugh and chat. Daddy puts his arm around Hazel and talks about his life in Chicago, how happy he is in his railroad work. I realize that Daddy likes his Chicago life, his shiny suits, the diamond ring on his left pinky, and his new wife. A little girl would mess all that up. The morning they leave, Vera takes a photograph of the three of us. I stand in front of my kneeling father, his arm around me. The little girl in the picture looks lost, with sad eyes and not even a hint of a smile.

    I have a series of illnesses, from colds to bronchitis to flu and more colds. When I’m lying in bed, Charlie sometimes brings me soup, and the kids come by to say hello. They are not always mean, but I can’t trust them. They’ll be nice and then suddenly lash out, making fun of me. I have grown used to Vera’s spankings, but I hate it that I cry for each one. I can’t seem to keep the tears away anymore. I often see scary monsters in the closet at night, but one night I have a different vision, one that stays with me for a long time.
    A lady wearing a red gown and a blue headdress appears in the window across from my bed. I blink, but she does not disappear. I get out of bed and check in the hall to see if someone is standing there, but there’s no one. Her dark hair falls to her shoulders, and she looks at me with kindness. She tells me not to worry, that everything will be all right. I feel peace and relaxation as I look at her, and eventually I fall asleep. She isn’t there in the morning, and I never see her again, but I return often to the feeling of comfort she gave me, as if she had taken me into her arms like a mother. Later, I discover that she looked just like paintings of Mary, the mother of Jesus.
    On my sixth birthday in March, Vera makes a cake for me and everyone sings Happy Birthday. I try to imagine my next birthday, but I can’t. My life stretches out like the plains, empty all the way to the horizon. I blow out the candles, my skin crawling with awful