Determination Read Online Free PDF

what cutting away my skin would uncover, I did as he suggested. Brian’s hands were steady, and I felt an almost rhythmic pinch and pull. I’m sure my imagination was worse than the reality of it, but in my mind’s eye, I saw him pulling my skin up with the tweezers. Then a slight tearing as he started to cut into the damaged area. My breathing accelerated, and it felt like someone had sucked the air from the room. The pain seeped in, even around the barrier of the painkillers.
    “I like that he listens to me,” Alex said, his voice softer as he switched from his sexual relationship with Mike to their emotional connection. Making an effort to put the medical stuff out of my mind, I was startled to hear the vulnerability in Alex’s voice. “I like that he really sees me. I’m not just a body for him to get off on, or a guy to call when he gets an itch. With him, I can be Alex, and that’s okay.”
    The more damaged skin Brian cut away, the worse the pain seemed to become, until I could no longer stop myself from shifting on the bed to get away from it.
    “Jamie, I’m almost done.” Brian’s tension was evident in the tightness of his voice. “Baby, you need to lay still.”
    I knew I needed to stay still, but the pain was so intense that I couldn’t. Writhing on the bed, I heard Brian’s gasp just as the cold edge of the scissors touched the inside of the burn, and I screamed.
    “Mike!” Brian yelled above my scream, and I felt two strong arms holding my chest to the bed. Again, I tried to stay still, but it was Determination
    21

    almost as if my body had a mind of its own, as if it wanted to get away from the pain no matter what my brain said.
    “Stop! Please stop… it hurts!” I cried even as Alex joined Mike in holding me still. The fire that consumed my stomach continued to rage. It felt like my skin was melting. When I opened my eyes, I found Brian, his face covered in tears as he worked. Finally, with one last pull, he handed something I couldn’t see to Emilio. And then it felt like Steven was burning me with the welding torch he kept in the basement, and I screamed again, begging him to stop hurting me. I told him I’d do anything… anything, please just make it stop. My throat was hoarse, and pain ripped through every part of me.
    “The Silvadene is on the bandage—hand me some strips from the tape!” Brian yelled. I heard terrible ripping noises, as if someone were pulling huge chunks of my flesh from my body. Then a pain like I’d never known tore across my skin as he pressed something hard against my stomach.
    Finally, fate showed me a moment of compassion, and I lost consciousness.

    22
    Jamie Mayfield

    Three

    WHEN I woke, panic enveloped me in the pitch-black room. After panic came the pain. Sharp, bright spots of fire peppered my arms and legs, but my stomach was an inferno. As I squirmed on the bed and tried to find that one sweet spot, that one position that would make the pain lessen even a little, I heard a quiet whimper. My eyes began to adjust to the lack of light, and I looked around. After a moment, I remembered I was in Alex’s new little bedroom at the boardinghouse.
    I turned on his bedside light, the Tiffany-style glass lamp he’d stolen from his house as a reminder of his mother. The room filled with faded blue light, and I tried not to move as I scanned for the source of the noise.
    “Stop… please don’t hurt him,” Brian’s voice shook as he begged, and my stomach screamed in protest as I leaned over the side of the bed to find him curled up on the floor. He kicked out, and I tried to reach down to shake him awake, but the pain was just too much.
    “Brian,” I said firmly over the side, willing him to wake. He whimpered again in his sleep, like a wounded dog. The tension and fear in his face tugged at my heart. I couldn’t just let him stay in that dream.
    Too many nights he’d woken frightened and alone because I wasn’t there. I wouldn’t let that