Dear Thing Read Online Free PDF Page B

We still have lots of chances left, and we shouldn’t rush into anybig decisions when we’re in an emotional state.’ He took her hand. ‘Maybe we need a holiday.’
    ‘We can’t fix this with holidays. We can’t afford one, anyway. We’re already in debt enough with the IVF.’
    ‘Let me worry about that.’
    ‘I’m a failure. That’s not going to change.’
    He squeezed her hand. ‘You’re not a failure, Claire.’
    ‘It’s my fault we can’t have children.’
    ‘It’s not your fault.’
    ‘It’s my eggs. None of them is any good. You’ve heard the doctors as much as I have. We’ve tried IVF ten times now.’ She held up both her hands, fingers splayed. ‘And this was the only time out of ten that we’ve had a positive result. I was born with those eggs. I didn’t make them faulty. They just are. I’ve been faulty all my life.’
    ‘You’re not faulty,’ said Ben. ‘You’re perfect.’
    ‘I’ve lost weight. Then I lost too much weight, so I had to gain weight and then I gained too much so I had to lose it again. I’ve taken vitamins and done meditation and read a library full of books. Every single thought I’ve had for the past six years has been about fertility. I’m tired of it, Ben. I can’t do it any more. If we’re not meant to have children, we’re not meant to. We might as well accept it.’
    She got up and put the kettle on again.
    ‘I haven’t suffered as much as you have,’ said Ben. ‘But this isn’t unusual. IVF only has about a thirty per cent success rate. We’ve known that from the start.’
    ‘That’s not good enough for me. Not any more.’
    Ben stood. ‘I know you’re hurting. But if we give up, we’ve been through all of this for nothing.’
    ‘Don’t you think it’s time to cut our losses?’
    ‘Let’s have a break, and think about it some more.’
    ‘I shouldn’t have let myself love it,’ she said. ‘I knew there was a good chance it wouldn’t make it, that it wouldn’t become our child. I knew it was only a bundle of cells. But I could feel it in there, inside me. I thought it was growing. I kept on touching my belly – it was like a little secret. I loved it. I couldn’t help myself.’
    He tried to take her in his arms, but she stepped away.
    ‘It’s okay, Ben. I don’t need to think about it any more. I’m not going to change my mind. I decided this morning while you were asleep, and as soon as I decided that I was stopping, I felt so much better. I’m sad that this didn’t work out, but there’s a huge freedom to it, too. I feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted off me.’
    ‘But … all our plans?’
    ‘Our plans are hurting me. I’ve thought constantly about having a baby for so long. And that’s not the worst thing; the worst thing is having hope. Every cycle, I’d get to hoping this was the one, this time it was going to happen. And then … nothing.’
    ‘I feel that way too.’
    ‘Then you’ll respect my decision.’
    ‘We were so
close
.’
    ‘And that makes it worse.’ She knelt and found the caster sugar in the cabinet. She could feel him standing behind her: his surprise, his dismay.
    He didn’t say anything for several moments. ‘Claire,’ he said at last. His voice was full of anguish. ‘Please.’
    Still on her knees, she closed her eyes. She couldn’t look at him, or go to him. Not now. It would make her weaker, make her complicit in her own failure.
    ‘I know I’m letting you down,’ she said. ‘But it’s better todecide now than to keep on disappointing you. And it’s my body, Ben. I’m sorry.’ She took out the sugar.
    ‘Why won’t you look at me?’ he said. ‘What are you doing?’
    ‘I’m making a coffee-walnut cake with espresso ganache.’
    He left the room, and Claire stood. She began to measure out the sugar, gram by gram.

3
The Answer
    THE ROSE AND Thistle was busy tonight for the quiz to benefit the Berkshire Air Ambulance; Romily waved at some of the regulars and