Dear Girls Above Me: Inspired by a True Story Read Online Free PDF Page B

anybody. He must’ve been imagining someone he really cared about. Someone with whom he shared a real human connection. Someone who challenged him to be a better person. Someone with whom he had dreamed of breathing his last living breath. Someone with, possibly, a penis.
    You see, I had this little theory that Pat was gay, though he would never ever admit it. Most people in my life believed that this was not a theory, but indeed 100 percent fact. Even my mom said, “Charlie, I’ve never met a young man as gay as Pat. And if you can’t see that, then maybe I have a gay son.” I’m not quite sure abouther logic there, but I did begin to question whether or not I had grown so accustomed to Pat’s “gayness” that I didn’t even notice it anymore.
    I should mention that I am not a homophobe. I’m extremely comfortable with and supportive of anyone who identifies as gay, straight, or bi. This was only an issue for me because I wanted Pat to live the life that made sense for him, and if he was in fact gay, I wanted him to be openly so. But at the time, my findings were not yet conclusive. It was possible, after all, that Pat was not gay but simply fabulous. It’s easy to mistake fabulous for gay, so I decided to make a list of things that Pat had said or done that might possibly come across as even a tad bit gay. Upon completion of the list, I would have enough facts to make my final assessment. Here’s the list I had so far:
    COULD PAT BE GAY?
    In seventh grade, Pat ran the number one Spice Girls fan page in America, called Pat’s Spicy Page .
    He often describes having good sex as “kick-ass intercourse.”
    He wants to marry Kylie Minogue so that she can sing to him “all day long.”
    He owns every color of American Apparel tighty whities, even the sea-foam green ones.
    He’s seen the musical Wicked thirty-two times.
    “I never really liked Spider-Man. I was more of a Pinocchio kind of kid.”
    He read all four Twilight books in less than two days.
    When I took him to a Lakers game, he said, “This is where Taylor Swift plays!”
    He has described Nair as his “best friend” on multiple occasions.
    So, as you can see, Pat was a super-fabulous guy. But was he gay? I still wasn’t sure.
    “Eighty-one thousand points, baby! Suck it, dead Michael Jackson!” Pat finally got off of our violated coffee table.
    “Maybe next time you could play the game when it’s not in the early hours of the morning?” Why did I even have to ask this?
    “Shit, I’m so sorry! I’ll make it up to you by squeezing you some extra orange juice. But I need to buy some more umbrellas.”
    “Don’t worry about it. I just barely got any sleep; those girls who live above us kept me up most of the night—”
    “Oh my God, me too. How good was that conversation about baby Cruise’s little shirt? I found the picture online, they were so right. She looked adorable.”
    I made a mental note to add this to the “Could Pat Be Gay?” list.
    “I’m sure Suri looked great, but I can’t keep living my life listening to these idiotic girls yap to each other.”
    “Tell me about it. Hey, maybe we should just go knock on their door and see if they’d be down for a foursome. You know, just ’cause it would be an awesome story to tell,” Pat blurted out with what I believed to be sincerity.
    “Umm, I was thinking more along the lines of filing a noise complaint,” I said.
    “Totally. That’s a great way to handle it too.”
    Before Pat left for work, he hand-squeezed me another glass of orange juice with a makeshift umbrella, even though I begged him not to. He said, “It’s no problem at all. Who wouldn’t want to squeeze something that feels just like titties?” This statement made me consider a new list. Could Pat be an alien?
THE GIRLS’ KNOWLEDGE

Dear Girls Above Me,
“How do I spell … this word?” Unfortunately, I don’t have a visual, but aren’t you pointing to it?

Dear Girls Above Me,
“How does Google