Days Like This Read Online Free PDF Page B

relieved. If this happened for him then it would be okay. He
would have something else to make him happy, something real and not me. All I
had to do was tell him. All I had to do was say two words.
    “Close your
eyes.”
    I raised an
eyebrow. “Last time I did that there was an RV.”
    “I couldn’t
fit an RV in here,” he said.
    “I’m sure you
understand my apprehension.” Surprises and eyes being closed didn’t really work
out for me. Not last time, not eleven months ago. Even June knew I hated
surprises. This was more evidence that Rohan didn’t really know me.
    Rohan put a
finger on my lips. “Trust me. Eyes closed.”
    With my eyes
closed, everything yelled at me to tell him that I was leaving. I couldn’t tune
out the voices, or the longing. It couldn’t be that hard to say the words to a
boy I didn’t love, not like I still loved Graham. I fluttered my eyes open, but
Rohan pressed his mouth against mine and his hands ran down my back. I wanted
to tell him, but I didn’t. Instead I tried to forget. I kissed him back, and
eased his shirt over his head as he took off mine. He ran his fingers across my
breasts before taking off my bra, and then all my thoughts were gone.
    Three seconds.
Then I lost control of my own brain and my body operated on autopilot.
    Five seconds.
The amount of time before my back was flush with his leather couch and it gently
tugged at my skin, but I didn’t let it stop us.
    Seven seconds.
Then I didn’t feel guilty; I didn’t feel anything except him on top of me. I
turned to dust and nerves and no words survived.
    “Cass…” he
whispered, his lips trailing down my stomach.
    My body tensed
up at the name, but Rohan didn’t notice. The weight of Graham’s name for me, of
his voice saying it when we made love, of him on the phone before, the memory
of it all came crashing back over me. It made me kiss Rohan harder.

    IT WAS 2 A.M. when I woke up.
“Cass” echoed off Rohan’s walls, a refrain from my dreams. The name didn’t
belong in his room. Over and over it played, but it wasn’t Rohan’s voice. It
was Graham’s.
    Rohan was
asleep next to me, his long lanky body spread across the bed and through the
sheets. I looked at him and expected, hoped, to feel something. Something that
made me want to stay. Something more powerful than my fear of going home again
to face Graham, and my mom, and my past. But there was nothing. I wanted to
talk to Graham, to tell him I left because of what I found in Mom’s room, that
my dad was alive and he abandoned us, and how much it scared me to ruin his
life the way Mom’s disorder ruined mine. It was a lot of words, and part of
going home meant getting to tell him, and maybe, starting over.
     So I grabbed
a paper off the floor and scribbled: I’m
sorry to leave like this. I wanted to tell you I was leaving, but I didn’t know
how. I don’t think you’ll miss me and you deserve someone better. Someone who
has a heart to give completely and only to you.
      I read and re-read it. He deserved more,
but it was good enough—my goodbye on the back of a chemistry test. It was
something. I put it on my pillow, grabbed my clothes, and ran away from the
name. If I could have, I would’ve left all the voices there in that room. I
tried before to move on, but they were a haunting refrain that seemed to follow
me. Hopefully, this one would stay where it belonged.

    I CRAMMED THE last box into
my car and forced the back door to shut. That was everything. It was 4 a.m. and
I was leaving like a thief in the night, but it was better this way. No
goodbyes, no awkward emotions, no questions or half-truth explanations. They
would all wake up and I would be gone. Eventually, the semester would end and
they would forget about me. I was doing them all a favor. I’d spent my whole
life trying to keep my mom’s mess a secret, and I didn’t want to drag anyone
else into the pit with me. I didn’t want to make them carry around my burdens.
    I used