Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need Read Online Free PDF Page B

techniques as:
Wearing a dress. 2
Periodically remarking out loud to nobody in particular: “I certainly have a lot of body hair, for a woman!”
Baggage Searches
    At the security checkpoint, your carry-on baggage must be placed on a conveyor belt and passed through an X-ray machine so the security personnel can see if you are carrying questionable items, because if you are, federal law requires them to open up your luggage and root around among your personal belongings like starving boars in a full Dumpster. If they find anything suspicious, For Your Own Protection they will ask you certain standard security questions, such as:
“What’s this stain in your underwear? Cheez Whiz?”
“This is a
vibrator?
I never
seen
a vibrator this big! HEY, NORM! TAKE A LOOK AT THIS LADY’S VIBRATOR!”
“For Kids Only”: Fun with Airport Security Personnel
    Airport security personnel are chosen for their sense of humor, and there is nothing they enjoy so much as a good joke. A fun game you kids can play with them is “Uncle Ted.” What you do is, when you get near the security checkpoint, you walk up to a passenger selected at random and say in a loud voice, “Uncle Ted, can I see the bomb again?” Ha ha! Those wacky, fun-loving security personnel will sure come running! They might even take “Uncle Ted” for a ride in the electric cart! They might even take YOU for a ride in the electric cart if you mention the detonator in Mom’s purse!
    NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER              
    —In this chapter Mr. Barry has been quite critical of commercial air travel, so we have decided, in the interest of fairness, to allow the airline industry an opportunity to respond. The following point-by-point rebuttal was written by Mr. M. Duane LeGrout, president of the American Association of Associated Airline Companies in Association with Each Other.
    AN OPEN LETTER TO AIRLINE PASSENGERS
Dear Airline Passenger:
    We will be starting this rebuttal in just a few moments.
    Please remain in the area, as we are almost ready to start this point-by-point rebuttal. Thank you.
    We apologize for the delay. We will begin rebutting very soon now, and we are grateful for your patience.
    We have an announcement for those readers who are waiting for the point-by-point rebuttal. We are experiencing a minor equipment problem with our word processor at this time, but we do expect to have an announcement very soon and we do ask for your continued patience. In the meantime, we regret to announce that we have overbooked this rebuttal, and we are asking for readers who are willing to give up their space in exchange for an opportunity to read
two
future rebuttals on a topic of your choice. Thank you, and we expect to have another announcement shortly.
    Okay, we do apologize for any inconvenience, but we have been informed that the word-processor problems have been corrected and we will begin rebutting any moment now. We ask that those of you with small shrieking childrenpLeAse asssidaisaas *(*^*&^^ hey can someBoDy fiX thiS goddaM
    REBUTTAL CANCELED SEE AGENT
    Sincerely,
    M. Duane LaGrout
President
    1 Provided that you are driving drunk and blindfolded
    2 This is how Oliver North handles it

Traveling as a Family
(OR: NO, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!)
    F amily travel has been an American tradition ever since the days when hardy pioneer families crossed the Great Plains in oxen-drawn covered wagons, braving harsh weather, hostile Native Americans, unforgiving terrain, scarce food, and—worst of all—the constant whining coming from the backseat:
    “Are we there yet?”
    “Hey! THESE plains aren’t so great!”
    “Mom, Ezra is making hostile gestures at those Native Americans!”
    “Are we almost there?”
    “Mom! Rebecca dumped some unforgiving terrain into my scarce food!”
    “PLEASE can we stop here and settle Kansas please please PLEASE??”
    “Yuck! We’re eating
bison
again?”
    “When are we going to be there?”
    “Mom! Little Ben put oxen