Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) Read Online Free PDF Page B

Canal over to Panama. Maritime experts quickly became concerned when Panama, seeking to boost revenue by transforming the aging waterway into a Disney-style tourist attraction, installs a “log flume” section. Pieces of disintegrated freighters are soon washing ashore as far away as Costa Rica.
    In South America, the War on Drugs, now entering its thirtieth successful year, gets a nice boost when the United States announces that it is giving $1.3 billion more in aid to Colombia, which ducks into the bathroom eight times during the announcement ceremony.
    On the domestic political front, Hillary Rodham Clinton makes the extreme personal sacrifice of actually moving into a house located in the state that she has selected to represent in the U.S. Senate. She pledges to “be a good neighbor for the people of whatever the hell this town is.” But the big news is in the Iowa caucuses, from which Al Gore and George W. Bush emerge as winners, despite strong objections from Palm Beach County election officials, who announce that they are not aware of any state named “Iowa.”
    President Bill Clinton orders a do-it-yourself “Build-a-Legacy” kit via the Internet.
    The big story in Miami is the intensifying legal battle over whether six-year-old Elián González will return to his father in Cuba or be allowed to stay in the United States and enjoy the precious, constitutionally protected freedom to be displayed on network television every time he burps. In another South Florida development, state agriculture inspectors learn that eight lime trees in South Florida have been infected with citrus canker. As National Guard troops and tanks pour into the area, a state official states, “We are not ruling out napalm strikes.”
    In financial news, America Online announces the largest merger in history, in which it will acquire Time Warner in exchange for AOL stock valued at $160 billion, or, a little later in the week, $34.
    On a sad note, legendary Mad cartoonist Don Martin dies, causing a sad hush to fall over the cartooning world, broken only by a gentle sound, coming from somewhere up above: SPLOINGGG.
    In sports, the St. Louis Rams defeat the Tennessee Titans 23 to 16 in the Super Bowl. The Titans graciously concede, although Palm Beach election officials announce that, according to their scoring, Tennessee actually won by 257 points.
    And speaking of seesaw battles, in…
    FEBRUARY
    â€¦the presidential primary campaigns heat up as Al Gore, Bill Bradley, George W. Bush, and John McCain sweep through New Hampshire, then hustle down to South Carolina, then blast out to Wisconsin, then race up to Michigan, then, as a result of a faulty compass, charge deep into Canada, where, before discovering their error, they spend a combined $43 million on TV attack ads and hold several debates, in which Bush repeatedly refers to Canadians as “the Canadish people,” and Gore claims that he was born and raised in Montreal.
    Meanwhile, Steve Forbes, who has spent untold millions of his own money in a hopelessly unrealistic quest for the presidency, finally comes to his senses and drops out of the race, declaring that he will now devote his energies full-time to becoming a power forward for the Los Angeles Lakers.
    President Clinton, after working late many nights in the White House Situation Room, finally finishes building his legacy. He goes to sleep a happy man, only to discover, on awakening, that Buddy, the First Dog, has gotten hold of the legacy and chewed it beyond recognition.
    On the financial front, in a chilling example of the growing menace of cyber crime, unidentified hackers attack several major “e-business” websites, temporarily shutting them down, and thus preventing them from losing money anywhere near as fast as usual. Meanwhile, the Dow Jones Industrial Average continues to slide, dipping below the 10,000 mark for the first time since April of 1999. This causes great