Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus Read Online Free PDF Page B

about, such as:
The Intent of the Monroe Doctrine

    “The Monroe Doctrine is, without a doubt, one of the most important and famous historical doctrines ever to be set forth in doctrine form. And yet, by the same token, we must ask ourselves: Why? What is the quality that sets this particular doctrine—the Monroe Doctrine—apart from all the others? There can be no question that the answer to this question is: the intent. For when we truly understand the intent of a doctrine such as the Monroe Doctrine, or for that matter any other doctrine, only then can we truly know exactly what that doctrine was intended to accomplish as far as doctrinal intention is concerned. This has been an issue of great significance to historians and human beings alike throughout the distinguished history of this great countrythat we call, simply, ‘the United States of America,’ a country that has produced more than its share of famous doctrines and great heroes and, yes, educators of the caliber of Mr. Fossum, doing such a superb job of preparing the young people of tomorrow for the day when we, as a society and yet by the same token also as a nation, finally reach 200 words.”
    See what I mean, young people? Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism. So I urge you to work hard in school and learn your history, because—who knows?—one of you could be the next Abraham Lincoln, inventor of the steam engine.

THIS POET
DON’T
KNOW IT

    R ecently I got a very nice computer-generated letter from an outfit called the National Library of Poetry.
    “Dear Dave,” the letter begins. “Over the past year or so we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has been featured in various anthologies released by other poetry publishers. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The National Library of Poetry has decided to publish a collection of new poems written by THE BEST POETS we have encountered.
    “I am pleased to tell you, Dave, that you have been selected to appear in this special edition:
Best Poems of 1995 …
The poem which you will submit for this edition has been accepted for publication sight unseen on the basis of your previous poetic accomplishments.”
    You talk about feeling honored. It’s not every day that a person who does not, technically, write poetry is selected asone of the top poets for a year that has not, technically, occurred yet.
    Oh, I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking, “Dave, you wienerhead, they don’t really think you’re a leading poet. They got your name from some mailing list, and they’ll publish any drivel you send in, because what they REALLY want to do is throw a book together and then sell it to a bunch of pathetic loser wannabe ‘poets’ for some absurdly inflated price like $50.”
    Well that just shows how much YOU know. Because it turns out that
Best Poems of 1995
is now available at a special pre-publication discount price of just $49.95. But listen to what you get: You get “a superb collection of over 3,000 poems on every topic,” as well as “an heirloom quality publication” with “imported French marbleized covers.”
    I called the number listed on the National Library of Poetry letterhead; a pleasant-sounding woman answered, and I asked her which specific poetic accomplishments of mine the judges had reviewed before selecting me as one of the Best Poets.
    “Um,” she said, “we don’t have that available right now. All that information is closed in a backup file system.”
    I frankly have had very few poetic accomplishments. I once thought about writing poems for a line of thoughtful greeting cards, but I finished only one, which went:
    Thinking of you
At this special time
And hoping your organ
Removal went fine .
    Of