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straightened up I was still clinging to her like a monkey, and that annoyed her because I got my muddy shoes over her smart black skirt and I was scared she was cross and wouldn’t come back.

    I said, ‘You
will
come back, Mum, won’t you? Next Saturday? You’ll take me to McDonald’s again? Promise?’
    She promised.
    But she didn’t come back. I waited that Saturday. The Saturday after that. Saturday after Saturday after Saturday.
    She didn’t come back. She didn’t come because she got this amazing offer from Hollywood and she starred in this incredible movie and—
    And who am I kidding? Why am I spouting the same old babyish rubbish? She probably wasn’t ever a proper actress. She certainly hasn’t been in any Hollywood movies that I know of. She didn’t come back because she couldn’t be bothered. She left me in care. For years.
    I was taken into care because she didn’t look after me properly. She kept going off with this boyfriend and leaving me. And then she got this new scary guy who whacked me one whenever I yelled. I’ve had a little peep in my files. Though I can remember some of it too. Stuff that still gives me nightmares.

    So why do I want to see my mum so much?
    I don’t want to see her.
    I do.
    Even after the way she’s treated me?
    She’s still my mum.
    I’ve got Cam now.
    She’s not my mum, she’s just a foster parent. And she’s sick of me anyway.
    Is
she?
    I
don’t know.
    I suppose I need to talk it over with Elaine.
    So the next time I see her I’m all set. She’s all smiles.
    ‘Ah, Tracy, you’ll be pleased to know it’s all fixed now, this special meeting with your mum.’ She beams at me, as happy as a bunny in a field of lettuce.

    ‘I don’t want to see her now,’ I said.
    Elaine’s bunny nose went twitch-twitch-twitch. ‘What?’
    ‘You heard. I don’t have to see her, not if I don’t want. And I
don’t
want.’
    ‘Tracy, you are going to be the death of me,’ she said, blowing upwards over her big bunny teeth. Then her eyes crossed a little with concentration and I knew she was counting up to ten, s-l-o-w-l-y. It’s her little way of dealing with me. When she got to ten she gave me this big false smile. ‘I understand, Tracy,’ she said.
    ‘No you don’t.’
    ‘It’s only natural you feel anxious about this meeting. It obviously means a great deal to you. And you don’t want to risk getting let down. But I’ve had several phone conversations with your mother and she seems as keen as you to meet. I’m sure she’ll turn up this time, Tracy.’
    ‘I
said
, I don’t want to see her,’ I declared, but I knew I wasn’t kidding her.
    She tried to kid me though. ‘OK, Tracy, you don’t want to see your mum – so I’ll phone up right this minute and cancel everything,’ she said, and she started dialling.
    ‘Hey, hang about. No need to be quite so hasty,’ I said.
    Elaine giggled. ‘Got you!’
    ‘I don’t think that’s very professional of you, teasing like that,’ I said, dead haughty.
    ‘You would try the patience of a professional saint, Tracy,’ said Elaine, and she ruffled my hair. ‘Now, how are things with you and Cam?’
    ‘OK. I suppose.’
    ‘She’s one hundred and one per cent supporting you over seeing your mum, you know, but it must be a little bit hard for her.’
    ‘Well. That’s what being a foster mum is all about, isn’t it? Taking a back seat when necessary. Encouraging all contact with natural families. I’ve read the leaflets.’
    ‘You’re all heart, Tracy,’ said Elaine, sighing.
    ‘Not me, Elaine. Totally heart
less
,’ I said.
    So
 . . . I’m seeing my mum tomorrow! Which is maybe why I’m wide awake now at three o’clock in the morning. Scribbling away. And wondering what she’ll be like. And if she’ll really come.
    Oh-oh. Stirrings from next door. Cam’s spotted my light.
    Later
. I thought she might be a bit narked. But she made us both a cup of tea and then we sat at either end of my