Cravings Read Online Free PDF

body again, even though I stood feet apart. He was so
hard and firm and aching. Aching, because I'd denied him release. Denied him
release for months. I'd never had fullblown sex with Nathaniel, because I could
feed without it. It had never occurred to me what that might mean for him. But
now I could feel his body, heavy, aching with a passion that had been building
for months. When last I'd touched Nathaniel's needs this completely, he'd simply
wanted to belong to me. That was still there but there was a demand in him, a
near screaming need. A need that I'd neglected. Hell, a need that I'd pretended
didn't exist. Now, suddenly, Nathaniel wasn't letting me ignore that need
anymore.
    I had a moment of clear thinking, because I felt guilty. Guilty that I'd left
him wanting for so long, while I had my own needs met. I'd thought that having
real sex with him would be using him; now suddenly that one glimpse into his
heart let me understand that what I'd done to him had used him more surely than
intercourse. I'd used Nathaniel like he was some kind of sex toy, something to
bring me pleasure, and be cleaned up and put back in a drawer. I was suddenly
ashamed, ashamed that I'd treated him like an object, when that wasn't how he
wanted to be treated.
    The guilt hit me like a cold shower, the proverbial slap in the face, and I
used it to pack the ardeur away, for another hour or two, at least.
    It was as if Nathaniel felt the heat spill away from me. He gave me those
wide lavender eyes, huge, and glittering, glittering with unshed tears. He let
his hands drop from my arms, and since I'd already dropped my hands away, we
stood on the dance floor with distance between us. A distance that neither of us
tried to close.
    The first shining tear trailed down his cheek.
    I reached out to him, and said, "Nathaniel."
    He shook his head, and backed away a step, another, then he turned and ran.
Jason and Micah tried to catch him as he rushed past them, but he avoided their
hands with a graceful gesture of his upper body that left them with nothing but
air. He ran out the door, and they both turned to follow. But it wasn't either
of them who had to chase him down. It was me. I was the one who owed him an
apology. The trouble was, I wasn't exactly clear on what I would be apologizing
for. For using him, or for not using him enough.
    Â 
    I caught up with the men in the parking lot.
    "Nathaniel says you didn't want to dance with him," Micah said.
    "Not true," I said, "I danced, twice. What I didn't want to do was play
kissy-face in front of the cops."
    Micah looked at Nathaniel. Nathaniel looked at the ground. "You kissed me
earlier in front of Detective Arnet. Why was this different?"
    "I kissed you to give Jessica the clue to stop hitting on you, because you
wanted me to save you from her."
    He raised his eyes, and they were like two pretty wounds, so pain-filled.
"So, you only kissed me to save me, not because you wanted to?"
    Oh, hell. Out loud I tried again, though the sinking feeling in the pit of my
stomach told me that I was going to lose this argument. Lately, around
Nathaniel, I always felt like I was doing something wrong, or at least not
right. "That isn't what I meant," I said.
    "It's what you said." This from Micah.
    "Don't you start," I said, and I heard the anger in my voice before I could
stop it. The anger had been there already, I just hadn't been aware of it. I was
angry a lot, especially when I wasn't comfortable. I liked anger better than
embarrassment. What's a girl to do if she can't get angry and she can't run away
from the problem? Hell if I know. Some of my wise friends encouraged me to be
honest, emotionally honest with myself and those closest to me. Emotional
honesty. It sounds so harmless, so wholesome; it's neither.
    "I don't want to fight," I said. .There, that was honest.
    "None of us do," Micah said.
    Just hearing him be so calm helped the anger ease away. "Nathaniel pushed