Couplehood Read Online Free PDF Page B

example, if I use the jar of mustard at nine o’clock, I may not notice that it’s still sitting on the counter until, oh, say—that Friday.
    Now, if my wife notices sooner, does that make me insensitive? I think not. It’s just who we are.
    I would argue that if it bothers
you
, and
you
need to put it away, then by all means, put it away. I’m willing to let youdo that. I will forgo my own schedule, so that
you
may honor
yours.
I will not be offended. Just don’t
you
be offended and assume
I
assume, because you’re assuming wrong.
    I’m just Sitting Here Minding My Own Business.
    T he problem is, when two people live together, there is no more Business of Your Own. Your Own Business is closed. You’ve merged and gone public. You have to run everything by the partners. And if there are too many conflicts of interest, the business may go under, freeing the partners to once again open up smaller concerns by themselves.
    Like all businesses, couples engage in endless meetings to discuss areas of management concern and division of labor.
    “You know, we really should call the post office and tell them to hold our mail while we’re away.”
    “
We?
You mean
me
, don’t you?”
    “No, I mean
we.
I didn’t say ‘you.’ I said
‘we.’
You
or
me.”
    “Oh really? Are
you
going to ever call the post office?”
    A moment to think. “No.”
    “Then you mean ‘me,’ don’t you?”
    “Yeah.”
    Sometimes it works out well, and certain household responsibilities fall naturally to those who like doing them.
    For example, my wife likes to pack suitcases, I like to unpack them.
    My wife likes to buy groceries, I like to put them away. I do. I like the handling and discovering, and the location assignments.
    “Cans—over there. Fruit—over there. Bananas—not so fast. You go over here. When you learn to not go bad so quickly, then you can stay with the rest of your friends.”
    T here are things that nobody really
likes
, but one of you hates more than the other person does.
    For example, someone has to take out the dog in the morning. Now, no one
wants
to get out of bed. But if you understand my affection for Sitting, multiply it a couple of times and you can imagine my enthusiasm for Lying Down. If I’m lying down, I really like to stay there.
    So this particular task falls, by default, to my wife.
    But there is actually a more complex negotiation at play here. You see, sometimes our beloved dog doesn’t actually make it through the night. We occasionally wake up to find things on top of our carpets that hours earlier were
inside
our dog. I don’t enjoy cleaning this up. But my wife
hates
it. I mean, she really hates it. She would rather not continue her life than be involved with this.
    One morning, our dog was sick and left a particularly repulsive souvenir at the foot of the bed—a combination of grass, raspberry yogurt, and liner notes to a Ray Charles album. My wife, in a pathetically desperate last-minute plea bargain, blurted out, “I will take him out every morning for the rest of our lives if you clean up whenever he does
this.
”
    Sold.
    Being a man who knows a good deal when he sees one, I jumped up, shook hands, and started cleaning up. After all, the dog only messes up the house once in a while, but he has to be taken out
every morning.
I thought it was a very sound investment.
    It was only later, while I was straining dog puke from a sponge, that it hit me: if I’m in charge of cleaning up future In-House Accidents, there’s no real incentive for my wife to rush the dog
out
of the house every morning. It’s not her problem. So once again, ladies and gentlemen, you see how even when negotiating in the best of faith with someone you love, you can get badly, badly burned.

Alone
Together
    T heoretically, marriage is all about Two people becoming as One. But in the real world—and let’s be really clear about this—you ain’t One. You’re Two. And there’s only so much two people can