Country Music Broke My Brain Read Online Free PDF Page A

onto the front of the tiny stage crowded with ancient equipment and a couple of microphones to start the show promptly at 9 A.M . The TV klieg lights had that little club percolatin’ along at about 125 degrees. I’m gonna guess here that Johnny had not been home resting up the evening prior to this historic TV appearance.
    I interviewed Mr. Paycheck several times in later years on the radio, and I’ve said in public that interviewing Johnny Paycheck was like interviewing a chimp—a lovely chimp. He was pleasant, but quite active, and prone to unexpected leaps, squawks, noises, grimaces, and bursts of maniacal laughter. That morning in a smoky honky-tonk, Johnny was in rare form. He was so wired I thought he was gonna burst into flames at any second.
    It was forty-five minutes until we would go live on Channel 2. Johnny was bouncing around the back of the stage like a fly in a bass drum. Then one of his “handlers” sidled up to me and whispered, “We have a problem.”
    â€œWhat?” I worried.
    â€œJohnny don’t got his teeth.”
    I was sure I didn’t hear that correctly. “Johnny don’t got his what? ”
    He said again, firmly this time, “Johnny don’t got his teeth. He thinks he left ’em on the nightstand at his motel.”
    (Maybe John did rest up a little before this show.) I took a stab. “Do you have someone who can make a teeth run for him?”
    Not wanting to volunteer himself, the “associate” replied, “Johnny said he’d go, but I’m afraid he won’t come back. I’ll see if the drummer is up for it.”
    It was then that I waved at Johnny, who was back in the dark, bouncing around like a kid on a trampoline. He waved back and gave me the biggest, gummiest grin I’d ever seen. This was not going well. . . . There was only a half hour to go before showtime.
    Finally, I saw the drummer sullenly walk out the swinging doors to retrieve Johnny’s smile. I’m pretty sure he had lost a bet. Apparently, Johnny really needed his teeth. “He sings like Gabby Hayes if he don’t got ’em!” the bass player said.
    Once in Texas, on a particularly forceful version of “Take This Job,” Johnny hit the word “shove,” and his dentures took a flying shot into some poor lady’s beehive in the front row. Spit his dentures right there, next to her bow.
    I was a nervous wreck. My producer was a nervous wreck. Johnny was a hopped-up gummy disaster and didn’t seem to have a care in the world. The drummer arrived at 8:57 A.M . with a red handkerchief full of uppers, and at 9:02, Johnny was in full-blown wail and smiling for all of Nashville to see. If you were considering taking that job and shoving it, this was your song.
    Johnny was a sweet man and hung in there for a little extra run at country music. He came back from some scary tour of low-rent bars in Europe. He’d brought me a bottle of “foreign wine from one of them Swede-y countries,” as he put it. I still can’t hear that song without thinking of the magic of country music, the glorious wonder of showbiz, and that Texas lady’s hair.

Glossary of Terms
    BEFORE WE GET TOO far along into the business of country music and radio, I think I need to give you some definitions of words that are thrown around a lot. I hope this glossary provides you with a backdrop of understanding to help you slog through the rest of this. Therefore, and calypso facto, here are the words you need to know:
    Advance: Money given to a writer or an artist before they’ve done anything to deserve it. Usually takes several careers to pay back.
    Airplay: What kids do with invisible guitars.
    Agent: Person who books you one night in Calgary and the next night in Peru.
    Clearance: Music you record that you found at a yard sale.
    Cloud: Where you store digital property, or what’s over Willie’s bus.
    Deal: What two