ConneXions Read Online Free PDF Page B

needed to be.
    My body knew what it wanted too.  It was slick with excitement and we both moaned with the sheer pleasure of it as his shaft stretched and slid slowly but surely into my body, forcing the muscular passage apart, in a way that defied each and all of my previous imaginings.
    Then reality intruded rather nastily, and it all fell apart.
    Just when I felt myself begin to relax, thinking that this wasn't so bad after all and that maybe I'd torn my hymen myself, using tampons or exercising – he came to a rather abrupt halt as he hit the barrier within.  Instantly the first rivulets of fear – fear of the pain to come and the unknown, trickled like ice water down my spine.  He retreated, only to return swiftly as he thrust in again, hard and deep, filling me completely.  He captured my agonized scream with his mouth and tried to give me time to acclimate by lying still within me.
    I was suddenly like a wild thing; old fears and dark memories resurfaced until I was panicked beyond reasoning.  With tears of shock and fright running down my cheeks, I tore my mouth away from his and tried desperately to kick and claw my way free of him.  I had to have him off me and out of my body.  I needed to get out from under him and move away, wanted nothing more than to curl away and hide.  I was desperately ashamed and afraid as old nightmares and fears crashed down on me until it felt like I was drowning in misery.
    He was so very brave, and he tried so hard to soothe me with his touch, his kisses, and his voice.  But my mind had already flown far away.  His own inexperience, his distress at my reaction, scared him so badly that he started to cry too, begging my forgiveness and apologizing for hurting me.
    And that's what brought me back to him.  That's what calmed me down.  Seems I just can't stand to see someone hurting and will do just about anything to help...
    He hadn't moved off my body until that moment, but when he did, he simply sat up between my legs, my thighs spread around him.  His hands loose on my hips, with his head down and his tears falling like a soft rain upon me.  I was immediately contrite and reached for him to take his hands in mine, to pull him back to lie against my body, to embrace and soothe him in my arms.  We lay quietly holding one another tightly, just like a couple of kids.  It was then I felt a wetness between my legs and feared I was bleeding.  I must have said it out loud because the next thing I knew, he was there back between them once more, reaching for his glasses and checking for damage.  It was all so horrible, it should have been funny!
    On the bright side, his own tears were quickly forgotten in his concern to make sure I wasn't bleeding to death.  I swear, only I could have such an unforgettable deflowering!  It was truly the longest night of my life!!
    Poor Michael.  I'm betting he's never forgotten me either as I've no doubt he was just as traumatized by the events as I was.  Probably swore him off virgins for the rest of his life!  I sure hope his next bedding was a lot more fun and that she was sweet and kind to him and when it was over and he lay in her arms, he felt ten feet tall and wonderful.  The poor man deserved nothing less after that one awful night spent with me!  How we never woke his parents remains a mystery.
    I wish I could say that we tried again or even finished what we'd started; that we made mad passionate love with complete and utter abandon that it was magic because I was brave enough to face my fears and move on.  But I can't, because it didn't happen that way.  I remember him trying for the longest time afterward to coax me into becoming his girlfriend, to let him hold me, to let him into my heart and my body again.  Unfortunately I was terribly embarrassed and wouldn't give in, even though it hurt me to know that I hurt him with my rejection.
    I have tried over the years not to dwell on things I cannot change or to have regrets.