Confessions of a Window Cleaner Read Online Free PDF Page B

I’ve been fed into an IBM machine.
    “I never reckoned you needed any help, Sid,” she says drily.
    “Very kind of you, Viv,” says Sid with dignity, “but you know how it is. You can’t stand still nowadays, otherwise you’re going backwards. If you’re going to get anywhere you’ve got to expand.”
    “Fascinating” says Viv. “Well, did you just come round to tell me how it was going to be you and Charlie Clore from now on, or was there something else?”
    “We’ve come round to do your windows, of course,” says Sid. “I just thought I’d introduce you to Timmy.”
    “Very nice. Hello Timmy.” She half drops her eyelids as she smiles at me and it’s very effective.
    “Timmy hasn’t had much experience—”
    “—oh dear.”
    “—and I’m keeping an eye on him for the first few days.”
    “You always were thoughtful, Sid.”
    “Yes, well, I’ll leave him to get on with it then.”
    “So I won’t be seeing you again, Sid?”
    “Oh yes. I’ll be around I expect, you know. I just thought that—”
    Sid’s voice tails away.
    “Yes?”
    “Well, you know.”
    “Yes.”
    Viv smiles an understanding smile which is obviously aimed at adding to Sid’s discomforture – and succeeds. Seeing that things are getting sticky I decide to take the initiative and step forward smartish only to be brought to a sudden halt in the doorway.
    “You don’t use that inside the house do you?” says Viv, “the rooms are quite small, you know.”
    I mumble something and take the ladder off my shoulder. Stupid berk!
    “Well, ta ta,” says Viv cheerfully.
    “Ta ta, Viv! Be seeing you. I’ll see you later.”
    “O.K. Sid,” I say and the door closes behind me.
    “In there,” says Viv smoothing down her skirt, and her hands don’t have a lot of work to do, I can tell you.
    “In there?”
    “That’s right.”
    Something about the way she says it makes me feel there’s going to be a bloody great four-poster behind the door but maybe it’s my imagination. I push the door open and I’m in the kitchen. She notices my surprise.
    “You want to fill your bucket, don’t you.”
    “Oh yes, of course.”
    She watches me do it and starts fanning herself with the Daily Mirror.
    “Bloody humid, isn’t it?”
    “Yes.”
    “I can’t stand this kind of weather. Makes me feel sort of itchy all over.”
    “How long have you been with Sid?”
    “On the window cleaning? Only today, but I’ve known him for a long time. He’s married to my sister.”
    I wonder if I should have said that but Viv doesn’t seem over-worried.
    “So you’re all living with your Mum and Dad?”
    “That’s right.”
    All this time she’s talking her eyes are wandering over me and there’s a sort of amused expression on her face. You don’t feel that she’s interested in any of the answers she gets but that she’s just trying to unwind you with conversation.
    “I don’t think you’ll get any more in there.”
    I turn off the tap and empty some of the water out of the bucket so it manages to spill across the floor.
    “Don’t worry,” she squeezes me just above the bicep. “You get on with the windows. I’ll clear this up. You’re a strong boy, aren’t you?” She fans herself with the paper so her tits wobble.
    “It’s so muggy, I’m going to take a bath. See if that doesn’t do any good. The bathroom curtains are in the wash, so don’t take any liberties, will you?” She reaches down underneath the sink and I practically need another pair of hands to keep the ones I’ve got from grabbing her. Talk about a nice arse. It shouldn’t be allowed, it’s so nice. Once you see that, all other arses are just bums.
    I grab my bucket and get outside breathing deep. I do the downstairs windows and am just getting the ladder up and my blood pressure down, when I hear a tapping above my head. It really is very sultry now and the sky looks as if it’s going to piss down with rain at any moment. I’ve seen enough