Come Not When I Am Dead Read Online Free PDF Page B

washing machine, I swish him around, hold him
there and spit him out.   Pah!   And it is instant satisfaction, instant
luxury, instant calm without befuddlement.   My head goes up to look at the sky and
“Be about £800 more or less” and my head goes down.
It is far too much,   “£800?   Can’t it be done any cheaper than that?”
I’m thinking about the electric bill, food, cigars, cats insurance, cat food,
petrol, new tyres….. I’ve made £40 so far this week strimming and that’s
it.   “You know I would if I could
dear, but it can’t be done” and he told me why it couldn’t be done, he is sorry
for me and looking concerned, his eyebrows meet in the middle when he looks like
that.   “I know, thank you, thank you
Uncle George.”   I am gentle now as I
look up at his dear old face, “it’s just a lot of money, which I haven’t
got.   It’s just all a bit of a worry
really and I don’t want to worry” but I also don’t want him to feel sorry for
me, so I try and pretend it doesn’t matter so much.   “It’s OK” I say, fooling no one.
“Can’t be perfect, much as we’d all like it to be you know”
“I know.”   I am dismissive now,
because it’s a stupid thing to say and turn around so we change conversation,
and it works, we talk about his new girlfriend, about his grandchildren, about
grandma, but then he comes back to it again.   “You know what you should do, you should
take a lodger, that would help out, you’d get someone quick as a wink in your
little house”
“I don’t think so” I am dismissive.
“Your gran had guests”
“Yes but they were guests”
“they still paid though didn’t they? just a different name.   You should think about it”
“I’ll think about it” I said and thought that I wouldn’t.
    All afternoon I thought about it when
I was killing pigs for the Rogers, he pays me £50 a pig so that’s good going
today.   “I’ve been thinking” I said
to Charlie later on “what do you think, I mean, would it be a good idea, say
if, well, what do you think about me, maybe, getting a lodger?   Do you think that’s a good idea?   Or would I hate it?   Is it stupid?   It’s probably stupid.”   Charlie has been watching me talk, eyes
narrowed, wondering what I was going to say, he is worried it will be something
that will demand an intelligent response, something that will put him out,
something that he won’t like, and I see relief in his eyes “sounds like an
idea” he is glad it is about the house, about me, but not about us, he is so
transparent “how long have you been thinking about this?” he can relax, and I
told him about uncle George today “it would have to be a woman” he said
“why?” I am looking up at him and I know that he is thinking how little and
sweet I am, but if he thinks that, he’ll forget all those other bits about me and
I don’t want him to do that, “because if it was a man, he’d be bound to fall in
love with you”
“do all men fall in love with me?”
“well, most of them do don’t they?   So it would be a distinct possibility that someone living in the house
with you, spending all that time with you and seeing you every day would.   It would be cruel, like watching a car
crash in slow motion” he is pleased with himself “what about if I fell in love
with him?”
“You wouldn’t” he said looking levelly at me, from his thoughtful, fresh little
eyes.   Don’t be so sure of me I thought, but instead I said “you’re very
sure of me aren’t you?” and he took that to be confirmation that he could be
sure of me. You’ve had the snip I was
thinking, looking at him while he sat back in grandma’s chair oblivious to my
thoughts, lapping up my love.   You can’t give me children and I want them,
you shouldn’t feel confident.   You
are married, I am not, you can’t feel confident.   My love won’t dissolve our problems and I thought about how scary people are and how you never