Christy Miller's Diary Read Online Free PDF Page B

still can’t believe what happened. And it hurts so much. I would sit here and tell you all the gory details, but I’m too exhausted right now. Besides, I don’t think I’ll have to record this day in order to remember it the rest of my life. If anything, I wish I could erase this day.
September 27
    Dear SF,
    I read a poem out loud in class today and it was as if this poet, Christina Rossetti, knew me and knew all about what had been happening in my life these past few weeks. The amazing part is that she lived over 150 years ago in London and yet she expressed exactly what I felt. It made me think of how it doesn’t matter when or where we live, women are the same everywhere and in every generation. We all share the same kinds of hopes and dreams and fears and hurts.
    It’s kind of long, but it’s really good. Here’s Christina’s poem, “Twice.” (And isn’t it interesting that we even share the same first name? I’m definitely going to look her up in heaven!)
    I took my heart in my hand
    (O my love, O my love),
    I said: Let me fall or stand,
    Let me live or die,
    But this once hear me speak—
    (O my love, O my love)—
    Yet a woman’s words are weak;
    You should speak, not I.
    You took my heart in your hand
    With a friendly smile,
    With a critical eye you scanned,
    Then set it down,
    And said: It is still unripe,
    Better wait awhile:
    Wait while the skylarks pipe,
    Till the corn grows brown.
    I have to stop and make a comment here, DSF. I didn’t tell you about what happened with Todd. I only reported on the agonizing break up with Rick. But there’s a whole different story about Todd. Rick took me to dinner up in Newport Beach and if you can believe it, Doug was the valet when we parked the car! Doug convinced Rick that we should stop by a party at Tracy’s house and Todd was there. I’d only seen Todd twice since our big trip to Maui and he’s only called a few times. I honestly thought that if Todd really cared about me, he’d say something to me at the party. But he didn’t. (Todd! You drive me crazy!!!!)
    I stayed at my aunt and uncle’s house and the next morning I couldn’t sleep so I went for a lonely walk on the beach and guess who was out on the beach too? Yes. Of course. Todd!! He came and sat by me. I pulled out all the courage I had and I told Todd how I felt about him. He said I should be free to go out with whomever I wanted and that it was selfish of him to try to hold on to me and wait for me to grow up.
    It was just like this poem! I held my heart out and Todd basically said it wasn’t ripe. It just about killed me. Wait, here’s the rest of the poem:
    As you set it down it broke—
    Broke, but I did not wince;
    I smiled at the speech you spoke,
    At your judgment that I heard:
    But I have not often smiled
    Since then, nor questioned since,
    Nor cared for corn-flowers wild,
    Nor sung with the singing bird.
    I take my heart in my hand,
    O my God, O my God,
    My broken heart in my hand:
    Thou hast seen, judge Thou.
    My hope was written on sand,
    (Is this my life, or what? “My hope was written on sand.”)
    O my God, O my God;
    Now let Thy judgment stand—
    Yea, judge me now.
    This contemned of a man,
    This marred one heedless day,
    This heart take Thou to scan
    Both within and without:
    Refine with fire its gold,
    Purge Thou its dross away—
    Yea hold it in Thy hold,
    Whence none can pluck it out.
    I take my heart in my hand—
    I shall not die, but live—
    Before Thy face I stand;
    I, for Thou callest such
    All that I have I bring,
    All that I am I give,
    Smile Thou and I shall sing
    But shall not question much.
    Every time I read this poem I know I’ll remember that morning on the beach with Todd. I didn’t tell you what happened after that. Todd told me he was going to Oahu. Yes, Oahu as in Hawai’i. He left the next day and is staying with his friend Kimo. I know I thought I would never see Todd again when he moved to his mom’s in Florida. Now it really seems like he’s