Broken Places Read Online Free PDF Page B

was its ersatz Christmas overlay. The oak beams were wreathed in tinsel, sprigs of plastic holly blighted every table, and the bewhiskered barman (a Father-Christmas lookalike) sported a Santa cap. Even at home he couldn’t escape; the dreaded C-word cropping up with depressing regularity every time he turned on the TV. Last Christmas had been bad enough, but at least his wife and child had been around.
    ‘Cheers!’ said Stella, raising her glass of vodka and Coke.
    ‘Cheers,’ he muttered morosely, feeling anything but cheerful amidst the aggravation of canned carols tinkling from the sound-system.
    ‘Now, listen, Eric, we’re here to talk about your love-life, not – I repeatnot – about work. So will you please switch off and give me your full attention .’
    He did his best to comply, although he was still smarting from Trevor’s strictures and not exactly overjoyed to have to confront the desert of his love-life. Still, he thought, at least he wasn’t condemned to a life of permanent celibacy, like poor Gerard Manley Hopkins, who had once described himself as a eunuch.
    ‘You won’t get anywhere, you know, unless you rewrite your profile. The existing one isn’t working.’
    ‘You’re telling me!’ Perhaps a vow of chastity might actually make things easier. From what he had read about eunuchs, they led quite a cushy life, with nothing to do in the harem except look after gorgeous girls.
    ‘Mainly because you insist on sticking to the truth. Most people big themselves up, so you’re putting yourself at an instant disadvantage.’
    The word ‘truth’ induced the usual surge of guilt. How duplicitous he was, posing as a truth-teller, yet concealing so much from Stella – indeed, from all his friends. Yet the few times in the past he’d come clean about his background had not been a huge success. Those he’d told had viewed him very differently thereafter – with pity, with suspicion.
    ‘I mean, you’ve put “average” for appearance, but that doesn’t do you any favours. Can’t you say “ above average”?’
    ‘No, because then they’ll be disappointed. In fact, I reckon lots of people must get quite a shock when they compare the descriptions with the reality. Actually, I’m thinking of writing a guide to all the terms in current use, if only as a warning. “Lively and outgoing” means a noisy, manic, show-off. “Articulate”: never stops talking. “Independent”: bossy. “Honest”: tactless. “Creative”: out of work.’
    Stella fiddled with a strand of her fairish, wavy hair. ‘Mm, I suppose you have a point. I met this guy who described himself as sensitive, and he turned out downright moody. And another said he was thoughtful, but “dull and utterly boring” was a damned sight nearer the mark.’
    ‘Yes,’ said Eric, warming to his theme. ‘“Caring”: soppy; “scrumptious”: vain; “free-spirited”: unruly; “home-loving” agoraphobic”.’
    With a sudden laugh, Stella began joining in herself. ‘“Spontaneous”: tactless; “entrepreneur”: crook; “fun-loving”: vacuous; “no baggage”: stony-broke.’
    ‘“Family-oriented”: mother of six; “down-to-earth”: uncouth; “ curvaceous ”: hugely fat.’
    ‘Come off it, Eric, I used “curvaceous” myself.’
    ‘Sorry! I forgot. You are curvaceous, Stella – in the true meaning of the word.’
    ‘You can lay off the flattery, thank you very much! Anyway, it got me quite a few replies.’
    ‘Yes, but neither of us have met anyone remotely suitable.’
    ‘What d’you mean, “neither of us”? You’ve only had one date so far; I’ve had seventeen.’
    He reached for his packet of crisps; crunched a couple despondently. ‘Frankly, I’ve lost heart, Stella, after the fiasco with Olivia.’
    ‘That was your own fault. I told you – twice – on no account to invite anyone to dinner.’
    ‘She invited herself.’ He was forced to raise his voice above ‘Silent Night’. Hardly silent.