Brief Tales From The Bench Read Online Free PDF

dentist, or go into the Inland Revenue. The object of life is, in my view, to get as much happiness for oneself while giving as little unhappiness as possible to other people. Schools and universities don’t bother about teaching that sort of thing. As I indicated before, nuclear physics and classics and mathematics will not help you to get on with your neighbour.’
    ‘Mr Chilton,’ I said, ‘one thing has occurred to me. How do you manage to satisfy the local inspector of schools?’
    ‘He daren’t come near the place,’ said Mr Chilton. ‘His predecessor came in a Mini Minor and left in an ambulance. We do it all now by correspondence.’
    ‘As to that,’ said counsel, ‘my client, Major-General Brooke, might himself have left in an ambulance.’
    ‘Certainly,’ said Mr Chilton. ‘We had one standing by.’
    ‘Do all your parents have to undergo this ordeal?’ asked counsel.
    ‘Not if they don’t want to. They can do it all by correspondence too. But I admit they don’t learn as much that way. If you really want to know what happens, you’ve got to come and see for yourself.’
    ‘And,’ I put in, ‘feel for yourself too, I gather.’
    ‘Oh, certainly,’ said Mr Chilton, ‘that can happen.’
    ‘Was Major-General Brooke particularly unlucky?’ asked counsel.
    ‘Not at all, your honour,’ said Mr Chilton. ‘On the contrary, I’d say he was one of the lucky ones. He left under his own steam.’
    ‘Have you never been sued for assault or something of that kind?’ I asked.
    ‘Certainly not, your honour. All our prospective parents sign a form of indemnity before they come on the premises.’
    ‘Have you any records of the subsequent careers of many of your boys?’ asked counsel.
    ‘Yes, sir, we have.’
    ‘And generally speaking, what is their record?’
    ‘Much the same as that for any other good school, with one exception.’
    ‘And what might that be?’ asked counsel.
    ‘The crime rate is much lower.’
    Eventually Mr Chilton completed his evidence, and the Major-General went into the witness box. In one of counsel’s early questions, he was asked whether he was warned what might happen to him when he went down to inspect the school.’
    ‘Well,’ said the Major-General, ‘Mr Chilton did say that the boys were very boisterous, and that I might be ragged a bit. Well, your honour, I like high spirits and I think I can say I can hold my own in most company. As a matter of fact in my younger days I boxed for the Army, and I thought it would be an interesting experience.’
    ‘Were you hit on the head by a snowball?’ asked counsel.
    ‘I was hit on the head by a stone in the guise of a snowball’, was the reply.
    ‘Did you complain?’ I asked.
    ‘No, your honour. I didn’t like the boys to think that I minded, so l treated it as a good joke. I had to put up with a good deal more in the war.’
    ‘But then,’ I said, ‘you were fighting the Germans.’
    ‘It didn’t seem all that different, your honour,’ replied the Major-General.
    ‘Why have you refused to pay Mr Chilton’s bill, and withdrawn your boy from the school without notice?’ he was asked by counsel.
    ‘Because of the way they sent him home. He was physically, morally and mentally degenerate.’
    The Major-General was then cross-examined.
    ‘What exactly do you say was wrong with your son when he came home to you?’
    ‘His hair was over his shoulders,’ said the Major-General, ‘he didn’t wash, and he couldn’t speak a civil word to us, he stole some of my money and he pawned a silver cup.’
    ‘Which, no doubt,’ said counsel, ‘you won for boxing?’
    ‘Quite so,’ said the Major-General. ‘I minded that more than I did the money.’
    ‘Is that the sum total of your complaint?’
    ‘Certainly not. He threatened both his mother and me. He said that he’d leave home if we didn’t make him a bigger allowance.’
    ‘General,’ said counsel, ‘when you sent your boy to the school, you