Bridge to Haven Read Online Free PDF Page B

children got up. And he needed to talk now.
    He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Mrs. Welch came by the church yesterday.” The caseworker had offered her condolences before she started asking questions. He swallowed hard, fighting tears.
    “I’m sorry I was so selfish, Marianne. I’m sorry I let you talk me into taking Abra home, even when we knew adoption was out of the question because of your health. I gave in because I knew how much you wanted another child.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “No. That’s not true. I gave in because I loved her, too.” He couldn’t speak for a moment.
    “I work all day, every day, Marianne. You know the demands of ministry. And I’m failing on all sides. I failed to protect you. I’m failing as a father. I’m failing as a pastor. I’m so caught up in my own grief, I feel crushed beneath the burdens of others.” He gave a bleak laugh. “I know I’ve said it a hundred times to those going through crises, but if one more person tells me all things work together for good, I’ll . . .”
    His throat felt tight. “Abra’s only five. She needs a mother. She needs a father who doesn’t get called out in the middle of the night when someone has a crisis.”
    There was no easy way around it. Zeke put his hand on the mound of earth. “I’m going to talk to Peter and Priscilla today about adopting Abra. You know they wanted her right from the start, and ever since you’ve been gone, they have offered to help in any way they can. I know they would love to welcome her into their family.”
    Zeke blinked back tears, looking off into the distance. “Mrs. Welch isn’t sure it’s going to work. She thinks Abra would have an easier time adjusting in a new place. Maybe it’s selfish, but I want her close, not off somewhere in another town with complete strangers.”
    Was he making another decision he would regret? Not that he would ever regret the five years they’d had Abra. Marianne had been so happy. “Oh, Marianne, you know how much I love her. It’s killing me to give her up. I hope I’m doing the right thing.” He sat, his whole body convulsed in sobs. “She won’t understand.” He wiped his face. He let the tears flow. “Forgive me. Please. Forgive me.”
    If Mrs. Welch changed her mind, Abra would be taken from him in a less gentle manner and placed elsewhere. He wouldn’t know where she was. He wouldn’t be able to see her grow up.
    Zeke walked down to the main road. A Gruening’s Market truck pulled over and idled at the entrance. Dutch lowered his window and waited for him. “How you doing, Pastor?”
    “Holding on.” Barely.
    “I know what you mean. Get in. I’ll give you a ride back into town.”
    Zeke stepped up and climbed into the passenger seat. “Thanks.”
    Dutch put the truck in gear and his foot on the gas. “I used to sit by Sharon’s grave and talk to her—every day for a couple of weeks, then every couple of days, then once a week. Now, I go on her birthday and our anniversary. She would’ve wanted me to go on living.” He cast a glance at Zeke. “Took me a while to realize she’s not there. Well, she is. But she isn’t. You told me. I didn’t believe it.” He muttered a low curse. “I’m trying to make you feel better and doing a pathetic job of it.”
    “Don’t worry about it.”
    Dutch smiled slightly. “You told me once there are no tears in heaven.” He stared straight ahead at the road. “Well, we have plenty down here, don’t we? I know it hurts like the dickens right now.” He downshifted and slowed. “You’ll wade through the pain and climb out the other side.” Pulling over, he stopped at the corner. “Just like I did.”
    Zeke held out his hand. “Thanks, Dutch.” The man had a firm grip.
    Zeke slid out of the cab of the truck.
    “What do you say to a cup of coffee sometime?”
    Zeke looked back at Dutch. After all these years, was the door finally opening?
    Dutch looked sheepish. “I’ve