me like he has the weight of the world on him. He has ghosts in his eyes. I’m sure his mind is going a mile a minute, just like mine. I want to hug him, which is a strange feeling to be honest. I want to actually hug him and tell him that everything will be all right. Then I remember the blood and the hole in the uniform he crawled out of his grave in. I remember the way he looked when he fell into Hell for me. I remember. I hoped he hadn’t.
I can tell I was so wrong.
It breaks my heart.
I wish I didn’t have one.
“I was there, Jess.” We’ve gone past the Hart stage. Then again, I figure Hart never really was Lucien’s brother. Hart was the demon Lucien hated. Jessup was Lucien’s brother. I guess I’ll answer to either. Lucien’s voice is low, and his fingers again have become very interesting to him. “I was there. I remember Hell. The fire and the pain and… the room. I remember it. I wish to God that I didn’t, but I do.”
He let out a shaky breath. “I broke quick, Jess.”
“No…”
“Yes. I broke quick. I wasn’t strong enough to fight it, to fight her. I wasn’t strong. I just wanted it… I just wanted…”
“The pain to stop,” I say because I remember. I was the same way. All I wanted was the pain to go away and everything to stop. For the briefest of minutes, seconds even. Something to take the pain and the anger and the fear away. But then again, that’s Hell for you.
He nods and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “Yeah. Just stop. I thought I could hold out longer. I was an angel. I should’ve been able to be stronger. But I wasn’t. I broke, and when I broke, she laughed.”
“Who? Who laughed?” If it wasn’t our mother, then I can’t imagine anyone who would’ve been able to break Lucien so quickly.
Lucien’s bottom lip quivers, breaking my heart further. Big brothers shouldn’t cry. They shouldn’t. It isn’t something that should ever be made to happen. If I have my say in it, it’ll never happen again.
“Jess—Hart. It was Gracen.”
CHAPTER NINE
Hart
“ G RACEN?” I HAD TO HAVE HEARD him wrong because… “Gracen? My Gracen?”
In the scheme of things, maybe my Gracen is pushing it, but still, I’ve been with her since before she was born. She’s mine more than anybody else’s, and I’m tired of feeling guilty over it. I took care of her. I loved her. I still do, and I refuse to feel bad about it anymore.
Especially now that I’m human.
Or whatever it is that I am.
“Yeah. Gracen. It was her, Hart. I swear it. I know what Mother said. I could hear her in the room before I attacked you… I’m sorry for that, by the way.”
I put my hand on his shoulder and squeeze. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. Ever. I’m the one who did this to us. I’m the one who will fix it. I promise.”
“I don’t know if it can be fixed.”
“Yeah, well, I do.” I stand and run my fingers through my hair. I’m in need of a shower. I still have mud in my hair. I should’ve done that before I changed clothes I guess. Hindsight and all.
“So… Gracen, huh?”
“Yup. It was her. And I know what you mean about Hell messing with you, but I’m telling you, man, it wasn’t Mother. It was her. She was… I can’t even explain it.”
“Maybe it’s like you said, just what Hell thought would torture you more.”
“If Hell wanted to torture me, it would’ve shown me Colleen.” He scoffs.
He has a point. It hurts and it makes me cringe, but he has a point.
I guess he sees how her name affects me because it’s his turn to try to comfort me. He stands and slides his hands into his pockets. “Look, man, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought her up.”
“No, it’s fine. I deserve it.”
“None of us deserve what happened to her.”
“She didn’t.” My voice cracks, and I turn my back to him so he doesn’t see the tear fall down my cheek. I don’t deserve to cry over her. Not after what I did. But here I am…
I can tell I was so wrong.
It breaks my heart.
I wish I didn’t have one.
“I was there, Jess.” We’ve gone past the Hart stage. Then again, I figure Hart never really was Lucien’s brother. Hart was the demon Lucien hated. Jessup was Lucien’s brother. I guess I’ll answer to either. Lucien’s voice is low, and his fingers again have become very interesting to him. “I was there. I remember Hell. The fire and the pain and… the room. I remember it. I wish to God that I didn’t, but I do.”
He let out a shaky breath. “I broke quick, Jess.”
“No…”
“Yes. I broke quick. I wasn’t strong enough to fight it, to fight her. I wasn’t strong. I just wanted it… I just wanted…”
“The pain to stop,” I say because I remember. I was the same way. All I wanted was the pain to go away and everything to stop. For the briefest of minutes, seconds even. Something to take the pain and the anger and the fear away. But then again, that’s Hell for you.
He nods and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “Yeah. Just stop. I thought I could hold out longer. I was an angel. I should’ve been able to be stronger. But I wasn’t. I broke, and when I broke, she laughed.”
“Who? Who laughed?” If it wasn’t our mother, then I can’t imagine anyone who would’ve been able to break Lucien so quickly.
Lucien’s bottom lip quivers, breaking my heart further. Big brothers shouldn’t cry. They shouldn’t. It isn’t something that should ever be made to happen. If I have my say in it, it’ll never happen again.
“Jess—Hart. It was Gracen.”
CHAPTER NINE
Hart
“ G RACEN?” I HAD TO HAVE HEARD him wrong because… “Gracen? My Gracen?”
In the scheme of things, maybe my Gracen is pushing it, but still, I’ve been with her since before she was born. She’s mine more than anybody else’s, and I’m tired of feeling guilty over it. I took care of her. I loved her. I still do, and I refuse to feel bad about it anymore.
Especially now that I’m human.
Or whatever it is that I am.
“Yeah. Gracen. It was her, Hart. I swear it. I know what Mother said. I could hear her in the room before I attacked you… I’m sorry for that, by the way.”
I put my hand on his shoulder and squeeze. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. Ever. I’m the one who did this to us. I’m the one who will fix it. I promise.”
“I don’t know if it can be fixed.”
“Yeah, well, I do.” I stand and run my fingers through my hair. I’m in need of a shower. I still have mud in my hair. I should’ve done that before I changed clothes I guess. Hindsight and all.
“So… Gracen, huh?”
“Yup. It was her. And I know what you mean about Hell messing with you, but I’m telling you, man, it wasn’t Mother. It was her. She was… I can’t even explain it.”
“Maybe it’s like you said, just what Hell thought would torture you more.”
“If Hell wanted to torture me, it would’ve shown me Colleen.” He scoffs.
He has a point. It hurts and it makes me cringe, but he has a point.
I guess he sees how her name affects me because it’s his turn to try to comfort me. He stands and slides his hands into his pockets. “Look, man, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought her up.”
“No, it’s fine. I deserve it.”
“None of us deserve what happened to her.”
“She didn’t.” My voice cracks, and I turn my back to him so he doesn’t see the tear fall down my cheek. I don’t deserve to cry over her. Not after what I did. But here I am…
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