Beware of God Read Online Free PDF

good boy.”
    â€œOne load last night, another this morning,” said Heimish. “The kid’s a machine.”
    â€œHe’s always watching me,” grumbled Shlomo.
    â€œHe loves you,” his mother said. “Have some breakfast.”
    â€œI’m late for shul.”
    It was a cool autumn morning. Shlomo buttoned his suit jacket and pulled his collar up around his neck. It was beginning to feel a lot like Yom Kippur.
    Shlomo would have a lot of repenting to do that day.
    He walked down the steep hill of Pine Road, and made the right turn onto Carlton Lane. As he passed by the Hirschs’ mailbox, something at the edge of the woods caught his eye.
    It was the fluttering page of an old magazine. But it wasn’t the fluttering that caught his eye, it was the color of the page.
    It was pink.
    Pornography pink.
    Shlomo checked both ways to see if anybody was watching, and ducked into the woods.
    The magazine was called Juggs . He picked up the magazine and walked a bit farther into the woods.
    What Shlomo had discovered, according to the tagline, wasn’t just any porno mag—it was The Dirtiest Tit Mag in the World. On the cover, a woman named Candy Cantaloupes licked a half-peeled banana which she held between her unfeasibly humongous breasts. Candy had recently been named the Slut of The Year, an award she certainly seemed to deserve. In Chapter - “Somebody Up There Likes You”, Candy lay happily on her back while a man straddled her chest. He had put his penis where until then only bananas had been.
    The very idea!
    Shlomo’s mind reeled.
    Putting a penis between breasts! Who thought of such things! He started to stiffen. Shlomo unzipped his pants and began to rub himself.
    Suddenly he heard the unmistakable sound of a twig snapping behind him. Shlomo jumped, tried to hide his nakedness and spun around to see who was …
    Heimish.
    Heimish wagged his tail and cocked his head curiously at both Shlomo and Shlomo’s penis, which had, in all the excitement, made its way back out of his pants.
    â€œWhat’s the commotion?” his penis seemed to ask.
    â€œDear God,” asked Heimish, “can’t you go one hour without debasing yourself?”
    Shlomo picked up a stick and threw it hard at Heimish. “Get out of here!” he spat at the whimpering hound. Heimish went back to the road and trotted back home with his head held low.
    â€œYou’re sick, you know that!” called Heimish. “Sick!”
    Shlomo stuffed the magazine inside his jacket sleeve and continued on his way to shul.
    The congregation was already halfway through the service. Shlomo paused outside the doorway; he worried for a moment that if he walked inside he would burst into flames.
    He held his breath and slowly reached for the doorknob. He turned it gently and pushed the door open.
    Phew.
    It was ten-thirty already, and the rabbi was most of the way through his sermon, so Shlomo decided to wait outside in the lobby with all the young mothers with their babies and their strollers and their tight, silk blouses you could see their lacy, pointy bras through.
    Shlomo watched them from a safe perch high on the steps to the women’s section. He loved seeing women with babies. They may as well have been wearing a sign that read “I have sex.” There was no denying it. Just knowing that he was surrounded with all these women who would put cocks in their twats drove Shlomo absolutely mad.
    He ran to the men’s room, found an empty stall and locked the door.
    As Rabbi Teitelbaum finished his Shabbos speech on the power of davening, Shlomo ejaculated on Tiffany Mound’s mounds.
    He shoved the magazine back into his jacket. He knew that if he picked up a siddur now he would burst into flames. He turned the tap above the sink just as Dr. Kaplan walked in.
    â€œGood Shabbos,” said Dr. Kaplan as he started to pee.
    â€œGood Shabbos,” said Shlomo as he