Belle Moral: A Natural History Read Online Free PDF Page B

Mother, no doubt.
    D R R EID
does not immediately reply, reluctant to reveal to her the full extent of his concern
.
    D R R EID . He has confessed an attempted suicide.
    P EARL
[loudly so
V ICTOR
can hear]
.
    D R R EID ., my brother is suffering from nothing more than extreme foolishness and a common cold.
    F LORA . Pearl, we’re lucky your brother is alive. Ask Rhouridh MacGregor, who plucked him from the boiling sea.
    P EARL . Saved by a nihilist. You ought to be ashamed.
    D R R EID . My dear Pearl, this is no way to treat a would-be suicide.
    P EARL . Suicide, my eye. He ran down to the shore in high naked dudgeon for a little fleshly mortification, where he met Rhouridh MacGregor out walking with his mother and his cousin, Jinnie. Victor leapt into the drink to hide from the ladies.
    F LORA . Oh Victor.
    D R R EID. Is this true, sir?
    V ICTOR . Pearl, those are only the facts, and you know it!
    D R R EID . You’ve trifled with a man of science, Mr MacIsaac.
    V ICTOR
[indignant]
. The squalid circumstances of my brush with death merely confirm my despair at the human condition. Not for me a dignified death by drowning. Not for me to inspire the poet’s lament, thus to snatch some meaning from the maw of death, no; I am the comic hero of a tragic farce. Plaything of a demented God who hasn’t the decency to exist.
    P EARL . Cheer up, Vickie; you’ve only your own carelessness to blame, not some cosmic vendetta.
    D R R EID .
[picking up his bag]
. I’ll take my leave now. My genuinely ill patients will be waiting.
    V ICTOR
[spritely]
. Still skookin’ about the loony hoos, are you, Doctor?
    P EARL . Victor.
    V ICTOR
[imitating her]
. “Edinburgh has a
leading
lunatic asylum.”
    D R R EID . If you refer to the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, yes I am on staff as specialist in organic diseases of the mind.
    V ICTOR . What’s that involve, then, amputatin’ heads, are you? Is it true, Doctor, that a dog will lick the hand of the man who is vivisecting him?
    D R R EID . Good day.
    F LORA
is about to escort
D R R EID
from the room
.
    P EARL . Doctor, I’ve been puzzling over the ear you lent me.
    A beat
. D R R EID
and
F LORA
hesitate
.
    Its length is out of proportion with its width at the base where it would attach to the skull. From this, I calculate a cranial circumferance commensurate with that of a microcephalous cretin. Does this strike you as reasonable?
    D R R EID
[momentarily at a loss]
.
    F LORA [to
the rescue]
. Dr Reid, you shouldna’ go plyin’ the lass with freaks of nature. It’s no healthy for a young woman of child-bearing age.
    P EARL . Really, Flora!
    D R R EID
[reassuring bedside manner]
. Now Flora, Pearl is gifted with the chief prerequisite of a scientific mind: curiosity. And what could be healthier, hm? Be sure to call me if you need anything –
    P EARL . Doctor, I’m keen to compare this specimen with others of its kind –
    D R R EID
[too quickly]
. There are no others.
    P EARL . Where did you obtain this one?
    D R R EID… . From a friend.
    P EARL . But where did the specimen originate?
    D R R EID . In a remote village. High in the caucasus.
    P EARL . I shall arrange an expedition; Father’s bound to have left me an annuity –
    D R R EID . I know neither the name of the village, nor if it still –
    P EARL . We’ll ask your friend –
    D R R EID . He’s dead.
    P EARL . But he must have –
    D R R EID . Pearl, the ear is a mere curiosity. An accident of birth. It ought to excite more pity than wonderment.
    P EARL . Accidents are the very stuff of evolution. Darwin’s work is far from done, Doctor, please. Help me.
    D R R EID . I’m afraid it’s not in my line, Pearl. [Al
most to himself.]
Not anymore.
    P EARL . Why hide your light under a bushel? Come with me to the Caucasus.
    He gazes at her, but a dog barks, off, startling him and
F LORA .
    You don’t deserve a present, Victor, but you’re my darling wee brother and I’ve got you one in spite of everything.
    Y OUNG F