Becalmed Read Online Free PDF Page B

them on my own. It’s better if they all come back at once.”
     
    She stares at me, and then sighs.
“I’ll see what I can do,” she says, and leaves.
     
    ~ * ~
     
    I
sit in that room for what feels like forever, but really is only about an hour.
There is a bathroom next to the service area, and I’m able to use that, but I’m
not able to leave the room itself. I pace. I count to ten in fifteen languages.
Then in six more. And then I start over because I can’t remember all the
languages I just tried.
     
    I’ve just started counting to one
hundred when Leona returns.
     
    “Jill Bannerman is outside,”
Leona says. “When she comes in here, you tell her what you told me about not
being able to cope. Be dramatic. The more threatened you feel the better.”
     
    “I won’t be lying,” I say. “I can’t
do this alone.”
     
    Those words are so inadequate. If
I close my eyes, I can feel the heat, the blood drying on my skin, the bodies
rolling beneath my hands. I can’t sit still with that. I have to move. And the
more of it that comes back to me, the more movement I need to make.
     
    “You tell her that,” Leona says. “Make
it very clear that this is a medical issue.”
     
    “Why?” I ask.
     
    “Because that gives you legal
protection. You’ll be considered a patient, not a criminal. If they had taken
you that afternoon when you called me, you’d’ve been a criminal. Just like you
would have been if you hadn’t waited for me today. This way, you’ll be able to
say anything, do anything, and it won’t come out in a legal proceeding. At
least not in detail. The ship’s staff can have an advocate in the room, and he
can testify to what you say, but it won’t have the force of your testimony. It
can only be used to start an investigation, which they’re already running.”
     
    I stare at her. She thinks I’ve
done something wrong. They all seem to think I’ve done something wrong.
     
    Is that why I can’t remember?
     
    “Before you decide,” she says, “this
is your last chance to go back to your apartment. You can do this on your own
and no one will ever have to know.”
     
    My stomach clenches. “And then
what?”
     
    “What do you mean?”
     
    “Will I ever be able to leave my
apartment? Will I be able to return to my duties?”
     
    She shakes her head. “You’ll be
alive. Isn’t that enough?”
     
    I think about the view from my
portal. Stuck in foldspace with nothing to see. The same walls, a different
view, if we’re lucky, but the same walls for the rest of my life. No more
languages. No more work.
     
    No more friends or family.
     
    Just me. Alive. In my apartment.
     
    Becalmed.
     
    “Send her in,” I say, “and I’ll
tell her the truth.”
     
    ~ * ~
     
    The
truth is that I am terrified of my own mind. The truth is that I’m afraid my
memories will kill me. I’m afraid if I never access them, they will kill me,
and I’m afraid if I do remember, I can’t live with them.
     
    Somehow I stammer that out to
Jill Bannerman and she takes some kind of notes and Leona gets her dispensation
or whatever it is and I meet the senior staff’s advocate, a man named Rory
Harper, whom I’ve seen before, but I can’t remember in what context.
     
    He’s older, fifties, sixties,
silvering hair and a dignity that I don’t like. I don’t want someone like him
to see me go through the tests. I don’t want anyone to see me.
     
    But I have no choice.
     
    So I agree to everything, and end
up here.
     
    ~ * ~
     
    You
never see the whole ship, no matter what ship you’re on. About fifty ships have
a specialty. Those ships never go on planetside missions because we don’t want
to lose them. I got the last of my education on the Brazza. The Brazza specializes in education, the Sante specializes in medical training,
the Eiffel specializes in engineering, and the Seul specializes
in officer training, just to name a few.
     
    And even on the Brazza, adventurous
and