Bear v. Shark

Bear v. Shark Read Online Free PDF Page B

Book: Bear v. Shark Read Online Free PDF
Author: Chris Bachelder
“You a moron.”
    Curtis says, “You.”
    They met and fell in love. He had never seen anyone ski like that. A woman skimming across the top of water will melt your heart. A woman with tan arms and her own life vest will make you forget all the others.
    Matthew says, “You a dick sandwich.”
    Curtis says, “
You’re
the dick sandwich.”
    Matthew says, “I don’t need this from you, bear-hugger.”
    Mrs. Norman says, “It’s penis, boys, and that’s enough.”
    Matthew says, “You don’t even have an idea what a penis sandwich is.”
    Curtis says, “I do, too.”
    Mr. Norman says, “Neither do I.”
    He (our hero) steers the burgundy Sport Utility Vehicle (SUV) around the entrance ramp and onto the freeway, weaving a slalom course around the scorched black husks of burned-out American sedans with power windows and antilock brakes.
    The Normans are on their way.

20
Brainteaser
    And now this . . .
    Tom, just where did the Bear v. Shark mania originate?
    Well, Mindy, a lot of ink and even some blood have been spilled trying to answer precisely that question. It just so happens that there is a bitter, long-standing, and litigious dispute involving the origins of America’s favorite pastime.
    Could you elaborate, Tom?
    Sure, Mindy. In essence, some believe the Bear v. Shark question to be a very old one. Recently, a medievalist at Columbia produced a fragment of a text that he believes was written by a little-known French philosopher and theologian in the eleventh century. The author of the fragment is essentially scoffing at the intense debate generated over a question that is, he believes, a “no-brainer,” to use the modern parleyvoo. Mindy, it appears this little French monk was quite the bear man!
    (Mindy laughs. Her bone structure is exquisite. Her ex-boyfriend Nate lost big money on Bear v. Shark I.)
    The text in translation reads, “And yet why is this a matter that must perplex us all so? The bear is angry and really strong. . . . The shark has enough teeth certainly for a single mouth, but in its fins we see frailty and, in essence, a smallness of spirit.”
    So, Tom, the question goes back at least to the Mid-Evil period.
    Well, Mindy, there has been some doubt about the authenticity of the fragment. In fact, at the recent annual conference of a prominent scholarly organization, one speaker went so far as to publicly denounce the fragment as a hoax, which stirred up a bit of a fracas in the ivory tower. Mindy, according to one report, a retired Aquinas expert was inadvertently gouged in the eyeball during the scuffle.
    That’s interesting, Tom. Any other ideas about where this whole craze may have started?
    As a matter of fact, Mindy, others have argued that Bear v. Shark is older yet, that it is, in essence, of ancient Eastern origin. Some would have it that Bear v. Shark is essentially a variation on a Buddhist koan, or a paradoxical riddle presented to Zen students to help them break free of reason and, in essence, achieve enlightenment.
    Kind of like a brainteaser, Tom?
    Essentially, yes. But while there is undoubtedly a beguiling, meditative, even spiritual quality to the question, there is also scant evidence that Bear v. Shark is Zen.
    Well, then, Tom, what about Darwin’s famous quip?
    Mindy, experts can find no evidence to support the widely circulated story that Darwin once remarked to Huxley, “If the indolent and bumbling bear but put yet a scratch on the awful shark, I will verily eat my hat.” In essence, the story appears to be made up.
    So where does that leave us, Tom?
    Well, folks who study the matter are essentially in agreement that the Bear v. Shark problem as it is now generally stated — “Who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark?” — is not ancient or medieval or even Victorian, but in fact dates back, in essence, no more than eight or ten years.
    Is that right?
    Ever since an enterprising young man named Elton Thigpen patented the Bear v. Shark question
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