Battle of the Network Zombies Read Online Free PDF Page B

judgment between my lips without getting any on my cheeks.
    I seethed.
    “Oh and no. I can’t make it,” Gil said as he led my mother into the backroom. “I have a blind date.”
    “A blind date? Who do you even know to set you up beside Wendy and me?”
    He nodded his head in Ethel’s direction and slammed the door behind them.
    I could only imagine the kind of suitor the old witch would pick out for Gil, probably some saccharine vampire accountant who couldn’t follow a joke if he had George Carlin’s ghost interpreting. It’d be just our luck that Gil would hit it off and the rest of our outings would be soured by the new boyfriend’s dead stares and uncomfortable silences.
    And that’s what I thought about until I turned back to the empty cage and started screaming.

CHANNEL 03
    Wednesday
10:00–10:30 P.M.
Demon Date

    (Season Premiere) A harpy, were, and hobgoblin try their luck at love for some filthy lucre, but who will win the ultimate prize: an evening of unspeakably horrific pleasure with Mistress?
    “What y’all screaming about?”
    I didn’t recognize the voice, but the twang was as southern as chicken on a biscuit, or tea so sweet it makes your teeth ache—both of which, I’d been perseverating on during feedings. Fantasizing is not uncommon for monotonous diets. Looking up, I witnessed a discretely clothed young woman in a tan trench, with her hair pulled back into a tight bun like an actual dancer, though no one would ever mistake Hairy Sue for a ballerina.
    I pointed at the cage of branches. “It’s empty.”
    The girl shrugged nonchalantly. “What was in there?”
    “It’s escaped!” I started to yell and then reined it in lest I draw the thing’s attention again.
    “What has? What are y’all talkin’ about?”
    “The yeti! Did it go back there?” I pointed to the stage entrance.
    She shook her head, said, “A yeti? Well, Mother Mary in a mock turtleneck you don’t see one of those every day.”
    Now, I’ve heard a lot of mixed-use religious exclamations in my time, in fact, one of Ethel’s favorites, “Jesus Christ on a cracker,” popped out of my own mouth from time to time. But this one, invoking a poor clothing choice, really didn’t work for me. Maybe a muumuu might be better. Mother Mary in a muumuu. It had a nice irreverent tone.
    She continued, “Is that what was making all that racket? I wouldn’t know, I’ve been changin’, takin’ off all my makeup and stuff after my show. Did you see it?”
    “Oh, I saw it.” I pictured the thing’s chicken skin jiggling on its hairless belly, the rows of nipples, the massive claws. I hoped I wouldn’t see it again, though the more the girl talked the less concerned I became. The yeti was too big to just slip past her; it was probably on its way back to the forest, though how it would get there unnoticed was beyond me.
    “Did you like it?” Hairy Sue winked, her lips pursed or pouting—I couldn’t quite determine the level of suggestiveness she was going for.
    “What?”
    “My show. Did you like it?”
    I grimaced, not sure how to respond. Then opting for the straightforward route, “I gotta ask.” I paused. Hairy Sue was nodding already, serious in her consideration. “How did you figure out the whole bush thing? I mean, those guys seemed to be really into it.”
    “They’re creamin’ for it, four nights out of seven. I’m not sure why. The longer I let it grow, the more tips I get. Could be somethin’ innate. Or maybe them pheromones cling better to the pubes.” She shrugged and followed me to the door. “My last show for a while. I’m going to be on a reality show. In fact, I’m packing as soon as I get home.”
    “Oh yeah?” I muttered absently.
    “ American Minions . You know, with Johnny Birch. He’s a regular here.”
    “Yeah. I figured.”
    Now I’d seen every inch of the girl and she looked completely human. She smelled like meat with a hint of butter, nothing out of the ordinary and