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neighbours gossiped about my faults and failings. I became hardened by a lack of conscience and I didn’t feel nor fear their contempt. However, the real victims of this ridicule felt everything. My parents’ child-rearing abilities came into question and they were deeply hurt by the harsh criticism they were affronted with. The scornful murmurs became more prevalent when my family’s financial status started to deteriorate. There were huge gambling debts mounting with creditors demanding their dues. Additionally, my parents ran our grocery store poorly and neglected to use even the most basic accounting. Furthermore, my father’s misguided generosity of supplying food and beer to his friends made matters even worse.
    My parents hastily sold off some of their land, and took out a loan in order to repay the most urgent debts. The rest of us chipped in any way we could to maintain face within the community. Although I was selfish in the extreme, I cared about my family’s reputation. There’s nowhere to run in such a small village, so keeping our standing intact was of the utmost importance. My younger sister Nuan had never showed much promise at school and was the first child asked to sacrifice her education. After all, education was considered a waste of money and time for girls when they could easily be married off and taken care of by their future husbands. Over the next few years, the rest of my siblings were requested to sacrifice their schooling for the sake of the family’s reputation, and in order that I might pursue higher education. At the time I simply took all this for granted.
    While many factors contributed to our financial woes, I was the main cause of my family’s downfall; after all I was stealing their money to throw away at gambling dens and to maintain my friends’ loyalty. There is a Thai proverb that states Tam di, dai di, tam chua, dai chua, ‘Do good or bad and you’ll be rewarded accordingly.’ I was soon to see just how much my behaviour would take a hold of my life and rob me of my future.
    My parents sadly informed me that they couldn’t afford to send me to the prestigious school in Ubon Ratchathani Province, as they’d always planned. A minority of the more fortunate children from my village were sent to this school. This was viewed as a great achievement and another way for parents to earn face. Not that I cared about study, but I’d dreamt of using such an opportunity to make my name known in Ubon. I also desired to be far from my parents in order to pursue my ruffian lifestyle freely.
    I took the news very badly. I didn’t hide the fact I blamed my parents for destroying my noble aspirations and I openly railed against sticking it out at the local no-name school for three more years. I chose to free-fall headlong down an even more destructive path just to spite my parents. I thus became more aggressive and violent than before.
    When I came to be the luk pi or ‘leader’ of my gang I spent even less time at home and school. My favourite pastime was making grandiose entrances at local temple or makeshift fairs. My hooligan image was bolstered by the cronies sauntering obediently behind me. We liked to shoot off our mouths and flex our muscles at these celebrations, which often resulted in bloody fights with opposing gangs. Eventually my reputation preceded me and organizers, who were afraid that I was going to ruin the event, made it clear that I was not welcome.
    At one such temple fair as I was dancing, a much younger boy from another gang walked straight up to me—probably in response to a dare—grabbed my collar and held his fist up ready to hit me. I stood still and stared at him, taunting him to throw the punch.
    ‘Go ahead. What’s stopping you, you little bastard?’ Due to my posse looming in the background and my fearless stance, he chickened out and retreated quickly.
    ‘I’m going to teach this sissy a lesson!’ I shouted and I ran to a food cart, took a glass