Assholes Finish First Read Online Free PDF

slumdog poor. It’s not a big deal now that I’m rich—I can even laugh about it in retrospect—but when it was going on, it really sucked. There were many days in 2002 and 2003 where I ate nothing but ramen… that I had stolen from my roommate. And other days that, had I not been really good with women and always had girls around who were willing to take me out or cook me dinner or buy me food, I might not have eaten at all. Seriously, I was that poor.
    The truth isn’t that I wouldn’t go
get
more condoms: I was too poor to
buy
condoms. If you’ve ever been poor, you know what it’s like to be at a 7-Eleven and swipe your debit card, not sure that a $3.25 charge will go through. I did not want to deal with that.
    She was a spoiled daddy’s girl, so she wouldn’t go herself. I tried to get her to go with me, thinking I could play the I-left-my-wallet-at-your-place game, but she was too spoiled even to leave her house. I couldn’t ask her for money, because being that poor is embarrassing. Great. I looked for another solution.
    Tucker “Can’t we just fuck anyway? I mean, what are the chances you’ll get pregnant?”
    Girl “NO! Seriously, I had my period two weeks ago.”
    Tucker “So?”
    Girl “Don’t you know anything about women? I’m at my fertility peak rightnow. These are the three days I am MOST likely to get pregnant. I really want to have sex again, but we CAN’T have sex without a condom.”
    Tucker “What if I pull out?”
    Girl “Pull and pray is not happening. I’m not on birth control, and I won’t have an abortion.”
    Well, this fucking sucks. I rack my brain trying to think of something to do. I momentarily consider asking to use her car because there might be spare change in there. I ponder what it would take to steal money from her purse… when I look down and saw my used condom on the floor.
    Tucker “Latex is pretty resilient, isn’t it?”
    Girl “What?”
    Tucker “Hold on.”
    I go to the bathroom, turn on the faucet… and put the condom under it, careful to not tear the latex as I wash it out.
    It was 3am, and there I was, a grown man washing out a used condom in a bathroom sink… because I was too poor to buy a new one. As I rolled up the wet condom to put it back on, I thought to myself: I had better end up making it as a writer, because this is about as bad as it gets.
    She laughed at my ingenuity, inspected it, and gave it the thumbs-up, so we had sex. I pulled out as I came, just in case, but the condom was still there, unbroken, and caught my load without problem.
    Apparently, this is a big no-no with a condom. From what I have been told since, the likelihood of a condom breaking on a second use is like 500% higher or something. Whoops. Oh well, to paraphrase Hunter S. Thompson talking about drugs and alcohol:
    “I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it for anyone else, but it worked for me.”
    T HE S HITTIEST H OOKUP E VER
    Occurred—June 2003
    This girl emailed me because she liked my site, and once we got together, the conversation eventually turned to the two topics that all my conversations are about: me and sex.
    She told me she wasn’t there to hook up—in fact, she’d been with only two guys in her life. This was not because she didn’t like hooking up but rather because she was afraid of hooking up. Apparently, she had a very weak immune system, took forever to get over a sickness, and claimed that a VD could possibly kill her. Not just something like AIDS, mind you, which can kill anyone except Magic Johnson, but shit like genital herpes or chlamydia could knock her off.
    I told her to immediately get away from me. I am almost certainly a supercarrier and she shouldn’t even touch me, much less fuck me. I went so far as to tell her that I wouldn’t hook up with her even if she wanted it, because even though every test I have ever taken has come back clean, I can’t have it on my conscience that I killed a girl by giving her some random VD that