Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea Read Online Free PDF

idea what to do. I was trying to console Kyle while racking my brain trying to think of the best approach for handling an unruly teenager.
    “That’s it,” I told him. “You’re getting a time-out.” I walked over to the television and shut it off. This sent James into a full-blown meltdown. He threw his game control at the window but stayed seated while he pounded his fists into the floor over and over again and started bawling. I hadn’t been alone with them for five minutes, and now both kids were crying and one of them was foaming at the mouth. I made a mental note to ask for more money when their parents returned.
    “Okay, calm down, James, just calm down. Please stop crying.” I put Kyle down because my knees were giving out. “Please, everyone stop crying.” I went and turned the TV back on. James immediately perked up and went to retrieve his game control.
    “Not so fast,” I told him. “You are fourteen years old and you have no business acting like this.”
    “Shut up, stupid,” he grunted, as he craned his neck around where I was standing to get a look at the TV screen. I couldn’t believe what an asshole this kid was. I was obviously going to have to give him a spanking.
    “Listen up, James,” I told him, standing my ground. “I am not trying to make your life miserable; it obviously already is. But there is no need to take your frustration out on me.” Kyle was now standing next to me, holding on to my pant leg and sniffling, his pacifier in his mouth. “Now say you’re sorry,” I said to James.
    “No!” he screamed. “No fucking way!”
    I wanted to hit James. I thought about a closed-fist punch and then my mind drifted to a swift kick in the neck. “That’s it,” I said, shutting off the television once more. “You are going to bed, mister.”
    “The fuck I am!” he screamed as he got to his feet. He was taller than I had originally estimated and towered over me. This was getting scary and I knew my personal safety was in danger. No matter what, the first rule of babysitting was never to show any fear.
    “I’m calling your parents,” I told James as I held Kyle’s hand and walked out of the living room into the kitchen, where I spotted a huge tub of vanilla-chocolate swirl ice cream on the counter.
    “Kyle, that’s not frozen yogurt, that’s ice cream.”
    Kyle, who clearly wouldn’t know the difference between a guitar and an airplane, shrugged his shoulders and started to cry.
    “It’s okay, Kyle. It’s okay,” I assured him, kneeling down to give him a hug.
    “I’ll be good,” Hitler Jr. called after me in a completely calm tone of voice.
    I turned around and walked back into the living room, where he had stopped crying and was seated on the floor next to his half-eaten bowl of ice cream. “You were not supposed to have sugar, James.”
    “It’s what Kyle gave me,” he said, shrugging his shoulders innocently. “I’m not a sugar addict, it’s fine. My mom is nuts.”
    “Well, that’s obvious,” I told him, finally feeling like we had made a connection. “But I’m supposed to be watching you, and she told me not to let you have any, so do me a favor and don’t tell her, and I won’t either.”
    “Cool,” he said, actually looking in my direction for the first time since I had arrived.
    Kyle was finally calming down, and if he hadn’t put his arms up for me to pick him up again, I would have given myself an actual pat on the back for finding a way to reason with James. I really am good with kids , I thought to myself.
    “I’m going to my room,” James announced as he got up abruptly and marched out of the living room—and then came back in. “And don’t come up there, you dirty bitch!”
    I didn’t know what to make of James. I didn’t know if he suffered from Tourette’s or bipolar disorder. I did not feel safe at all, and it occurred to me that I would need to start carrying a taser gun.
    I looked down at Kyle, who had taken his