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Majesty. The tsaritsa… the people …”
    “What?” Papa’s voice was sharp. “What are you trying to say?”
    “You know what the rumors are. You have seen the cartoons.” The voice was Count Witte’s, soft and placating.
    “Nonsense. All of it! No one believes it. No one who has the slightest knowledge of Sunny would believe it for a second.” Although his words were strong, I thought Papa’s voice held an edge of uncertainty.
    “But that is just the point. No one knows her. The people think she is aloof and uncaring.” The old general was pleading. “You kept the tsarevich’s illness a secret for so long, and the grand duchesses are sheltered away. They could do much if you would only permit it.”
    “I will not parade my little girls in public until they are of age! Olga and Tatiana do their share. And as for Alexei, he may come with me to the front. He has been quite well for some time thanks to … our friend.”
    I gasped. The idea of Alyosha going anywhere near a battle horrified me, despite his uniform, and I knew my mother would be distraught.
    “Please, I beg you, Nicky.” That was the voice of my uncle and Papa’s only living brother, the Grand Duke Michael.
    Silence again. Then Papa sighed aloud. “Very well. I will bow to your wishes for now. I shall let my uncle, Grand Duke Nicholas Nicholaevich, command the armies. But I make no promises for the future.”
    “You must go to Moscow. It is important, to ask God’s blessing for the war.”
    Moscow! I loved Moscow. It was so different from Petrograd. The onion domes and colorful buildings, the ancient history from the days before the tsars. If Papa went, then we all would. We always traveled together.
    I heard footsteps approach the door, so I quickly ran down the corridor and around a corner. Grand duchesses were not supposed to eavesdrop. But my head was buzzing with everything I had heard. I didn’t dare share it with my sisters because they would go straight to Mama. I needed Sasha. But I had not been able to see him since the declaration of war. I wondered if he would be sent to the front.
    Sasha at the front, being shot at by Germans. The idea sent a knife into my stomach. At the time I thought it was because he was my only friend outside of the family, and the only person who could make the idea of war real to me. I didn’t realize it was the beginning of something else, that there might be more to my caring about him than friendship.
    Besides, when it came to things such as this, things that were far outside our life in the palace, I suspected that Sasha was the only one I could count on to be honest with me. I wanted to know what people were saying about my mother. What cartoons had been drawn? What did they have to do with her? And who had allowed them to be published?
    I ran down to the kitchens and left a note for the egg girl, Varenka. I hoped Sasha would get it.

    Varenka managed to find Sasha, although he had moved from the guards’ barracks. His note began: “We cannot meet in the gardens. You’ll have to find a way to get to camp.”
    Leaving my family for more than an hour—it sounded impossible. But something told me it was important to try. Maybe I took it as a challenge, a dare. Or maybe it was a chance to become closer to Sasha, who was still a mystery to me. He had come into my world, but I knew nothing about his. So I made a big decision, and took my first step alone out of the closed circle that had kept me safe and secure for my entire life.

C HAPTER 5
    So it was on a hot, sultry morning at the beginning of August, 1914, that I found myself wearing Varenka’s rough scarf and brightly colored skirt, carrying her empty egg basket through the streets of Tsarskoe. I was certain someone would recognize me. Varenka and I looked nothing alike. But I was surprised to find that the passersby hardly noticed me. Although I felt very much like a normal person, I assumed after my conversations with Sasha that I would