Absolute Zero Cool Read Online Free PDF

rain.
    Something in the way he walks makes me realise that the extra three inches of height come from lifts he’s had put into his shoes.
    He hasn’t even had a coffee. It was my turn.
     
    •
     
    In reverse order, the hospital’s chain of command works something like this:
     
    roaches
    porters
    porters’ supervisors
    nurses
    ward sisters
    matrons
    interns
    consultants
    specialists
    accountants
    the board of directors
    God
     
    All these wondrous creatures need to defecate. Sooner or later, the works gum up. Everyone waits until the porter hoses out the Augean edifice. Then it all starts again.
    I like to call this process ‘Tuesday’.
    Everyone has a thing about Mondays, but Mondays do their best.
    Tuesdays are evil.
    Tuesday is Monday’s Mr Hyde, lurking in the shadows and twirling its luxuriant moustache. Tuesdays take Friday the 13ths out into the car park and set their feet on fire, just to see the fuckers dance. If Tuesday was a continent it would be sub-Saharan Africa: disowned, degraded and mean as hell.
    Tuesdays are in a perpetual state of incipient rebellion. I can feel it. Tuesdays want to be Saturday nights, and a few pancakes once a year aren’t going to keep them sweet forever. When it all blows up in your face, don’t say you weren’t warned.
    We have chained Tuesdays too tightly, allowed them no time off. We have taken no notice of Tuesday’s concerns about working conditions. Tuesday is Samson, blind and furious, his hair growing back by imperceptible degrees.
    You have been warned.
    The union rep is on the phone, so it must be Tuesday.
    ‘You got another official warning, Karlsson,’ he says, ‘and one member’s shoddy work practices reflect badly on the entire union. You need to take that on board because we’re all in this together. If enough people share the load it doesn’t weigh anything. You know the cleaning contracts are up for review next month.’
    ‘Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?’ I say. ‘I’m being fucked up the arse, metaphorically speaking. What’s the protocol for shouldering a metaphorical poke in the wazoo?’
    ‘Rules are rules,’ he says.
    ‘There’s such a thing as a bad law,’ I say. ‘Not only is the law an ass, it must be seen to be an ass.’
    But it’s Tuesday and he’s not listening. ‘One more infraction and you’re suspended,’ he says.
    ‘One more and I’m fired. Where’s the point in suspending me after I’m fired?’
    ‘Consider yourself disciplined,’ he says. ‘You’ll be receiving official confirmation within three working days.’
    ‘Can I wait until the official confirmation arrives before considering myself disciplined? I have issues with imaginary manifestations of authority.’
    I say, ‘I’m an atheist, send a plague of locusts.’
    But it’s Tuesday. He’s not listening.
     
    •
     
    ‘Again with the foul language,’ he says.
    ‘Duly noted.’
    ‘And there’s maybe a little too much Tuesday stuff. But,’ he adds, ‘that’s just a suggestion. You’re the writer here.’
    ‘No, you might have a point. I’ll take a look at it.’
    ‘Okay. What’s next?’
    ‘Another excerpt from your Cassie novel.’
    ‘I thought we were dumping all that.’
    ‘We dumped the last one, sure. But I realised afterwards that the excerpts were intended as Karlsson’s love letters to Cassie.’
    ‘Oh yeah?’
    ‘What do you want to do?’
    He shrugs. ‘Give it a whirl.’
     
    •
     
Sermo Vulgus : A Novel (Excerpt)
 
As a young man in Vienna, Hitler failed to woo a Jew. A bullet tore his sleeve as he charged across No Man’s Land.
Cassie, six inches could have saved the Six Million.
Cassie, they say Hitler once enjoyed the company of Jews.
How then can they speak so blithely of fate, destiny and procreative sex?
Damn the future, Cassie; dam it up. Give me handjobs, blowjobs and anal sex. Offer me your armpits, you wanton fuckers. Let us lacerate the sides of virgins with gaping wounds and fuck so hard we shake