Clearly, I don’t deserve him.
Neither of us was raised to talk about our feelings. Mine stay stuck like a lump of clay in my throat. His feelings, if you could call them that, burst forth like eruptive volcanoes, full of expletives and a force that singes like hot lava, clearing everything in its path. It’s perfect, really, that he works with abusive men, court ordered to get their shit together to avoid jail time. When he’s facilitating groups, he commands attention using calm, modulated words at times, thoughtful listening at others, barking like demon dogs unleashed at a dog fight at others. When he’s in “dog bark mode,” he’s menacing enough to get the attention of even the most corrupt of men. At home, however, the language and intensity which occasionally gust out of him make me a little nervous.
I begin to blurt things out like a bleating lamb. “It…its Jill’s fault. Really! She pulled me aside right before class and told me that I need to be there for the yearly auction. She knows how much I hate these things, but Kate and Sue are busy.”
“Right,” Cam responds with a sneer. “Fucking busy… like hell. Those two probably have a spa day planned.” Cam could not stand Kate and Sue, calling them the Jackal Twins of NW Community Center. “And, you, the Queen of Concession, you could not have just said NO to Sergeant Jill? I am so tired of this!”
“Well, she is giving me off the 12th through the 15th. Your schedule is somewhat flexible. Can’t you rearrange a bit?” I look over at him and smile encouragingly. I reach a hand out to push his bangs out of his eyes, but he bats it away.
Cam’s not a mean man, but lately he’s been prone to this kind of behavior. In my insecure moments, of which there are many, I think I bring out the worst behavior in guys. I quickly turn my head as tears sting my eyes.
“It’s not my fault this time. You can’t blame me. I was looking forward to going away with you.”
“Yeah, this time... maybe,” he says. Suddenly he softens and reaches towards me. “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice subdued. “It’s just that I’ve been looking forward to this trip for weeks. I shouldn’t take it out on you. I know what a bitch Jill can be. And Kate and Sue – those two are manipulative to the bone.”
Mac and Jack are in the corner now, having picked with derision at their organic, all-meat and veggies, grain-free nibbles. They lick their pint-sized paws and drag them across their faces, sneaking glances at one another. I know exactly what they are thinking.
… Shouldn’t treat her that way, hisses Mac.
… Shouldn’t let him treat her that way , adds Jack with a purr.
I glare at them.
Mac preens his lustrous coat. She wouldn’t if she knew the stuff she is made of .
Jack mimicked his brother’s grooming. She’ll figure it out some day .
Baffled, wondering what the heck they are talking about, my attention returns to Cam as he pulls me onto his lap. We hug and he moves his face towards me, his lips poised for a kiss. I pull away. Moving possessively, he presses his lips harder against mine until I start to surrender.
Sex and intimacy has always been a challenge for me. I remember being 15, a self-conscious, virginal wisp of a girl. My two best friends, Lacey and Mariah, were sitting with me on the Walla Walla High School lawn, at lunch. We were all gangly and awkward, just coming into our bodies’ lushness.
“My birthday is next week,” Lacey says, adding a moan for dramatic emphasis.
“Mine is next month,” says Mariah. “We’re all 15, and we’re going to be 16, and we’ve never even been kissed by a boy!”
We looked around at the popular girls flirting with the football team. Each one of us felt ashamed that we had never even been asked out by a boy. We saw ourselves as somehow less than everyone for the mere fact that we had not opened up our thighs for a boy. We each felt invisible. I just got my braces off, and my
Neither of us was raised to talk about our feelings. Mine stay stuck like a lump of clay in my throat. His feelings, if you could call them that, burst forth like eruptive volcanoes, full of expletives and a force that singes like hot lava, clearing everything in its path. It’s perfect, really, that he works with abusive men, court ordered to get their shit together to avoid jail time. When he’s facilitating groups, he commands attention using calm, modulated words at times, thoughtful listening at others, barking like demon dogs unleashed at a dog fight at others. When he’s in “dog bark mode,” he’s menacing enough to get the attention of even the most corrupt of men. At home, however, the language and intensity which occasionally gust out of him make me a little nervous.
I begin to blurt things out like a bleating lamb. “It…its Jill’s fault. Really! She pulled me aside right before class and told me that I need to be there for the yearly auction. She knows how much I hate these things, but Kate and Sue are busy.”
“Right,” Cam responds with a sneer. “Fucking busy… like hell. Those two probably have a spa day planned.” Cam could not stand Kate and Sue, calling them the Jackal Twins of NW Community Center. “And, you, the Queen of Concession, you could not have just said NO to Sergeant Jill? I am so tired of this!”
“Well, she is giving me off the 12th through the 15th. Your schedule is somewhat flexible. Can’t you rearrange a bit?” I look over at him and smile encouragingly. I reach a hand out to push his bangs out of his eyes, but he bats it away.
Cam’s not a mean man, but lately he’s been prone to this kind of behavior. In my insecure moments, of which there are many, I think I bring out the worst behavior in guys. I quickly turn my head as tears sting my eyes.
“It’s not my fault this time. You can’t blame me. I was looking forward to going away with you.”
“Yeah, this time... maybe,” he says. Suddenly he softens and reaches towards me. “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice subdued. “It’s just that I’ve been looking forward to this trip for weeks. I shouldn’t take it out on you. I know what a bitch Jill can be. And Kate and Sue – those two are manipulative to the bone.”
Mac and Jack are in the corner now, having picked with derision at their organic, all-meat and veggies, grain-free nibbles. They lick their pint-sized paws and drag them across their faces, sneaking glances at one another. I know exactly what they are thinking.
… Shouldn’t treat her that way, hisses Mac.
… Shouldn’t let him treat her that way , adds Jack with a purr.
I glare at them.
Mac preens his lustrous coat. She wouldn’t if she knew the stuff she is made of .
Jack mimicked his brother’s grooming. She’ll figure it out some day .
Baffled, wondering what the heck they are talking about, my attention returns to Cam as he pulls me onto his lap. We hug and he moves his face towards me, his lips poised for a kiss. I pull away. Moving possessively, he presses his lips harder against mine until I start to surrender.
Sex and intimacy has always been a challenge for me. I remember being 15, a self-conscious, virginal wisp of a girl. My two best friends, Lacey and Mariah, were sitting with me on the Walla Walla High School lawn, at lunch. We were all gangly and awkward, just coming into our bodies’ lushness.
“My birthday is next week,” Lacey says, adding a moan for dramatic emphasis.
“Mine is next month,” says Mariah. “We’re all 15, and we’re going to be 16, and we’ve never even been kissed by a boy!”
We looked around at the popular girls flirting with the football team. Each one of us felt ashamed that we had never even been asked out by a boy. We saw ourselves as somehow less than everyone for the mere fact that we had not opened up our thighs for a boy. We each felt invisible. I just got my braces off, and my
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