A Stranger in This World Read Online Free PDF

and drooping. They sat in the window seat and finished the ice cream, and when another kid walked by, Paul ducked out of sight and watched her lean out the window and wave, stretching her limbs eagerly like a plant bending toward the sun, and her smile and her sweet voice, Hi Larry! and the happiness that came and left her face so quickly, like breath on a mirror.
    She seemed disappointed when her eyes turned into the room again and found him still there. Too much to think about. He pulled her down to the floor again.
    Then a weekend at the beach with Mom and Dad, a relief in a way, he hoped things would become clearer, or go away. For the first time Paul was afraid of himself, what he was capable of. He thought of Judy in dirty particulars, every waking minute, he couldn’t stop, he wanted air. He sat in the breakfast nook talking about the design of kites with his father, at the same time swearing to himself that he would never walk down her block, at the same time starring in his pornographic memories. He lay in the dunes alone, a hollow pocket of sand rimmed with saw grass, out of the wind, feeling the warm,cleansing sun pour down on his skin, and the whole world seemed to turn into Judy: Judy in the softness of the sand, in the warmth of the sun, in the ebb and tickle of the wave’s retreat, especially Judy in the way the sand retreated from under his feet in the outwash, left him standing uneven, unsure of even the ground.
    He swore that he would never see her again, never closer than the sidewalk, but this was not the truth. He decided that the kindest thing to do would be to be friends, like regular people. He dreamt about putting his hand between her legs, and it was always her. In practical terms he watched a lot of television, played his guitar, took solitary walks. It seemed impossible for his parents to know nothing, he was wearing her on every inch of his skin, but they were too caught up in their own romance, getting to know each other again was how they put it. They seemed like children to Paul, willful, self-absorbed children.
    He stole a chance to see her on Monday, she was glad to see him and he was so pleased to see her smile that he wondered if he were in love. More words for something that there weren’t any words for, he was learning. No time for anything that day, though, he had to slip out over the roof to avoid the cleaning lady. A near miss, he was taking chances. He felt tainted but he knew he couldn’t turn away from her. Friday was her day alone, he knew, her mother went to volunteer at the Anglican Senior Citizens’ Day Care Center, her father worked, the cleaning lady disappeared back into the dark reaches of the invisible city. How would he live till Friday? He would not see her Friday, he made up his mind again and again. He was definite on this point.
    ——
    Then the miracle: Mrs. MacGregor drove away at ten Wednesday morning, leaving Judy undefended in the house. Paul saw the station wagon from the window of his room, and knew as it turned the corner, went away, that it didn’t matter what he thought, he was going. He stayed in his room for another half an hour, but it was futile, the only idea that presented itself was that it didn’t matter, right or wrong, crazy or real, he was going. His will seemed to count for nothing at all. I will treat her with compassion, he declared to himself, like the human being that she is. This sounded like the Boy Scouts, even to his own ears: when he closed his eyes, trying to think, he saw her blank-eyed shiver at the touch of his fingertips. Sleepwalking, dreaming his hand in front of his face. He was wrong, he was born wrong, he was broken.
    Judy, he said, is your mother gone?
    She nodded.
    All day?
    All day, she said happily, just like a child, just like the child she really was. Mom said to get my lunch on the table.
    I want to take you to the zoo, he said, surprising himself with a sudden rush of moral correctness. Go see the animals, the