A Slip of the Keyboard Read Online Free PDF Page B

salmon and champagne—well, that’s up to you. I can’t help you there, but you will probably be prosecuted if you hit anyone with a fire extinguisher.
    Authors have their likes and dislikes and these get magnified as shops pass on the information. According to rumour, I demand sushi, Australian Chardonnay, kumquats, chocolate-coated coffee beans, those little blue things in liquorice allsorts, and gin and tonic. No, it’s all a mystery to me, too. Some shops go out of their way to put on a good spread (so’s the staff can fall on it when the author has gone) and this is good PR, but in truth an author tends to eat lightly on tour because their stomach is knotted into a figure eight.
Stock signings
    These are “signings-lite”; the author and publicist drop in while they’re in town to sign some stock. Do not underestimate them. A bit of friendliness and a sense that this is a welcome occasion will pay off. Treat it like a proper signing, but without people. The author will remember. Trust me on this. I’ve done stock signings at shops that left me feeling guilty that they weren’t given a “proper” event, and insisted that we do them “properly” next time we’re in town.
    Please make sure that whoever arranged this event is either there or at least has made it known to the rest of the staff. There’s going to be some icy looks if the author is greeted with “You’re here to do what?” and there will also be a feeling that if a shop cannot manage a stock signing that doesn’t leave the author feeling like a scribbling intruder, they may not get behind a full signing either.
Fond farewells …
    Do make sure there’s someone around to say good-bye. Perhaps you’d be surprised at the number of shops who seem to think an author is an automated signing engine. My publicist and I have wandered mystified out of empty shops at the end of a long signing because the staff have all bogged off somewhere to count the money.
    Authors are impressionable, especially on tour. Some shops have impressed me so much that they are the shop I will sign at in that particular town. Organizing a good successful signing is part of that, of course, and that does not have to mean a huge queue, just a sense that the shop made an effort. What authors recall is “That was the shop where they did that really good coffee/cracking window display/were nice people,” and you get a reputation as a good shop to sign at (which spreads among authors, believe me).
    Sometimes shops shyly give little presents, like a bottle of wine. This is nice, but really, really is not required or expected by real authors (and may even be an embarrassment if the author is travelling light). If generosity sweeps you up, then suggesting that they select a book is a good idea all round. But a simple “Many thanks” works wonders.

N O W ORRIES

    SFX , 1998
    That wonderful, prestigious, and above all influential U.K. magazine
SFX
asked me for a signing-tour report on Australia. Actually, it’s composed from several “real” reports, just like it says
.
    Oh, and the current PR lady in Australia is not fearsome at all, really
.
    Australia had the best de facto national anthem in the world. Even people living in swamps in Brazil knew that if you heard the strains of “Waltzing Matilda,” you’d soon be swamped by young men and women with orange complexions and the heaviest knapsacks in the world. So, when Australians actually got the chance to vote in a replacement for “God Save the Queen,” what did they vote for? “Advance Australia Fair,” that’s what. Now, true, it’s more hygienic than most anthems, singing the praises of sunshine and fresh air rather than, say, bashing other countries, but it does sound so … worthy. Why didn’t “Waltzing Matilda” get chosen? Becauseit wouldn’t have been respectable. Australians care a lot about what other people think.
    I had this conversation with an Aussie on the edge of a swimming pool at Ayers