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me looking at him?
    Please, please, please sing like you did that night, I thought. Then Adam can’t refuse you.
    Finally Nick’s turn came. I guess I’d secretly hoped he’d sing his song, but he didn’t.
    And then it was my turn to wince. The guy was still good -- there was no doubt he was better than any of those we’d heard -- but I could tell his voice was out of practice. A little rusty. It hurt to know that he’d not been singing much, maybe only nursery rhymes.
    God, he deserved so much better than that.
    He finished, shrugging as he talked to Adam. The disappointment on Nick’s face was easy to read. As he walked away to join the other singers, my gaze drifted to his butt. How could it not? Oh, God, I thought, feeling the first decent spontaneous hard-on I’d had in a long time come on right there, right in front of my brother and bandmates and all the other singers as they listened to Adam’s final thanks-and-we’ll-be-in-touch speech. Then, some singly and others in groups, they all filed away. I wanted to chase after Nicholas, stop him, tell him wait, I want you --

    A Red-Tainted Silence
    19

    Instead I moved my hand and the bag of ice to my lap.
    Before he disappeared from my view, he turned and looked over his shoulder. Caught me watching. He grinned, sashayed his butt once, and laughed at my reaction. Then he disappeared around the corner. I bit back a moan of longing to follow him, but I couldn’t.
    It about killed me.
    Soon Adam and my other bandmates and I were alone. “How’s your hand?” Adam asked.
    Ah, being nice now, are you? I flexed my fingers and winced. “Hurts, but I’ll be okay.
    Which one did you guys like?” Please please please.
    Adam sorted through the resumes the guys had left, shrugging. “I don’t know. That Harvey guy was pretty good.”
    Cody, our drummer, groaned. “Ugly mother. Uglier than me. That won’t go over too good with the girls.”
    Adam snorted. “You want pretty? That Nicholas freak was sure pretty.” My heart seized.
    “Too damned pretty,” Stephen, the bassist said. “Looks gay to me.”
    “I don’t think so,” I said, trying to appear nonchalant. I pushed myself to my feet, joining them. “He has a look, yeah, but he’s probably straight. The girls would go nuts over him.” I thought of Jenny and her friends. I could hardly wait to call her.
    “Well, I don’t like him. His voice was too high, anyway.” Adam glared at me, then pulled out another piece of paper. “I think we should ask this Harry guy back.”
    “Harvey. Can I see the list?” Stephen asked, taking the sheet of paper, pushing me aside.
    I said nothing as I stepped back, feeling a wave of nausea come over me. That was that.
    Adam didn’t like Nicholas, so he was out. I closed my eyes as misery took over. I’d lost him, again.
    “I think I’m gonna be sick,” I said, then promptly was.

    * * * * *
“Adam is a jerk.”
    I nodded into Jenny’s shoulder, grateful for her warm arms wrapped around me as I sobbed like a baby. So pathetic, Brandon. She’d come over to the apartment the moment I called her, barely able to choke out more than, “I saw him.” She of course knew immediately the “him” I meant. By the time she got to my apartment, I was a complete wreck. My hand hurt, my head hurt, my heart was shattered into a thousand pieces, and I was sicker than my dog had been when he’d eaten a whole frozen pizza by himself. Disgusting.
    “What am I gonna do, Jenn?”

    20 Carolyn Gray
    Ever the practical Sprout, she pushed me up where we sat on my bed and with a tissue wiped away my tears. “You’re such a mess, Bean,” she told me.
    As she knew I would, I smiled. “Since when did I become a bean?” She grinned. “If I’m a sprout, you’re definitely a bean. Look, Brandon,” she said, chucking me beneath the chin. She shook her head and smiled. “Screw Adam, I say. Do you really need him?”
    “What’s that supposed to mean?”
    She sighed, then laid a