A Lesson Before Dying Read Online Free PDF Page B

much a man as any other man; then what? He’s still going to die. The next day, the next week, the next month. So what will I have accomplished? What will I have done? Why not let the hog die without knowing anything?”
    Vivian raised her head to look at me, and she was crying. I took one of her hands in both of mine.
    â€œI’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do this to you. I don’t want to do this to you. I just didn’t know where else to turn.”
    â€œI want you to come to me, Grant,” she said. “I want you to always come to me.”
    Shirley walked over to the table to pick up our empty glasses.
    â€œY’all want anything mo’?” she asked.
    â€œAnother round,” I told her. She left.
    â€œI want you to go up there,” Vivian said.
    â€œThey make those decisions, sweetheart, I don’t.”
    â€œIf they say yes, I want you to go for me.”
    â€œFor you?”
    â€œFor us, Grant.”
    I looked at her, and she looked back at me. She had meant what she said.
    â€œI don’t know if I can take it. I really don’t.”
    â€œI know you can.”
    â€œI’ll need you every moment.”
    â€œI’ll be here.”
    Shirley came back with the drinks and set them on clean, dry paper napkins. She looked at me again that same way, to let me know she didn’t like my remark at the bar earlier.
    â€œShirley is still mad,” Vivian said, after she had gone.
    â€œI’ll leave her a good tip,” I said.
    Vivian raised her glass to me and smiled.
    â€œYou have the most beautiful smile,” I said.
    She smiled again.
    â€œWhat are you doing this weekend?” I asked her.
    â€œHomework and housework—what else?”
    â€œWould you like to go to Baton Rouge one night, Friday or Saturday? I’ll pay Dora.”
    â€œFriday sounds good,” she said.
    We had friends in Baton Rouge who knew about her pending divorce and knew about my aunt, and they let us stay awhile at their place while they went out to a bar. Sometimes we would join them at the bar later, other times we would just leave the key in an envelope with a thank you note. But we were both getting very tired of that.
    We touched glasses and finished our drinks, then we left.

5
    WE PLEDGED ALLEGIANCE to the flag. The flag hung limp from a ten-foot bamboo pole in the corner of the white picket fence that surrounded the church. Beyond the flag I could see smoke rising from the chimneys in the quarter, and beyond the houses and chimneys I could hear the tractors harvesting sugarcane in the fields. The sky was ashy gray, and the air chilly enough for a sweater. I told the children to go inside and begin their Bible verses.
    After listening to one or two of the verses, I tuned out the rest of them. I had heard them all many times. “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” “Let not your heart be troubled, believe in God, believe also in me.” “In my Father’s house there are many mansions.” “Jesus wept.” And on and on and on. I had listened to them almost six years, and I knew who would say what, just as I knew what each child would wear to school, and who would or would not know his or her lesson. I knew, too, which of them would do something for themselves and which of them never would, regardless of what I did. So each day I listened for a moment, then turned it off and planned the rest of the day.
    My classroom was the church. My classes ranged from primer to sixth grade, my pupils from six years old to thirteen and fourteen. My desk was a table, used as a collection table by the church on Sundays, and also used for the service of the Holy Sacrament on the fourth Sunday of each month. My students’ desks were the benches upon which their parents and grandparents sat during church meeting. The students either got down on their knees and