A Field Guide to Awkward Silences Read Online Free PDF Page B

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Ten General Rules
Nobody who actively enjoys middle school is a good person.
Never wear a T-shirt with a picture of someone more attractive than you on it.
“Live like you’re dying” is bad advice. You would never stop skydiving and telling people you loved them.
Nobody saw that.
There is nobody whose browser history, if published, would not fill the world with shock and horror.
“I’m not a [noun], but . . .” = “I’m a [noun].”
Never compare anybody to Hitler.
It’s hard to pass the Bechdel test at brunch.
The smaller and more esoteric the online community, the nicer the comments.
Never read the comments.

How to Talk to People
    A Handy Guide Arranged by Age
    Talking is awkward. Not always, but most of the time. Not knowing what to say is even worse. At their worst, conversations can feel like a horrible countdown to the inevitable moment when you and the other person have both run out of things to say and, for want of anything better, are forced to start describing the scenery around you and reading, word for word, the signs you pass. Sometimes one or two ideas for things to talk about are the only difference between silence (awkward) and years of lasting friendship. And that’s where this guide (arranged by age) comes in!
    Babies: You can tell if someone is a baby because that person is next to you on an airplane emitting sharp ninety-decibel bleats. If you aren’t sure if it’s a baby, try to pick it up. If it won’t come with you, or claws you on the shin, it might not be a baby.
    Sometimes people treat their dogs or cats like babies, dressing them up in little Future Princetonian sweaters and buying them expensive organic food. This can be confusing. It is best not to go by how the human charged with their care behaves but to judge the baby itself. If it barks, it might not be a baby. If it wears a leash and collar, it could be your friend’s lover, Dean, although it is considered a little gauche to wear these things out in public.
    The key to talking to a baby is not to act like you’re talking to a baby. Speak frankly and use adult words. One advantage of talking to babies is they seldom want to interrupt you with stories of their own, so you can wax eloquent to your heart’s content.
    One-year-olds: One-year-olds look like babies, but larger. If one tries to engage you in conversation, “How ’bout that object permanence? Far out, right?” is a safe response.
    Two-year-olds: These are called “the terrible twos.” Just to be safe, address them as you would a work colleague, avoiding controversial political topics that might set them off.
    Three-year-olds: The difference between a three-year-old and a two-year-old is that three-year-olds scream less—unless they make a habit of listening to a lot of talk radio. They don’t remember much at this age, so it is still safe to insult them witheringly, as long as you keep your tone friendly and use polysyllabic words (“that ensemble is far from pulchritudinous, and you are NOT callipygian, not that I would notice, because that would be creepy, hey, you know what, never mind”).
    Four-year-olds: Four-year-olds start to have personality. Some of them can read. They actually remember things that happen, so don’t insult them or say anything sick that might stick with them and warp their development.
    Five-year-olds: Like four-year-olds, but louder and a little more mobile. This is the paper birthday. Or is it tin?
    Six-year-olds: Don’t baby-talk to them—not because six is too old for baby talk, but because you should never baby-talk to anyone ever. Someone might overhear you speaking with a rising inflection and think you are unfit for a promotion, especially if you happen to be a woman.
    Seven-year-olds: Just old enough to develop lingering resentments over not winning the class spelling bee or being typecast as arock in school plays. Should be able to read, but it may be difficult to find a book you’re both interested in