A Decent Ride Read Online Free PDF Page B

thair snatches and been suckin like a double-teamin Calton Hill buftie till ah tasted claret, then spat baith the bloody bastards intae the lavvy pan. But they wanted tae keep thum, ay, so thir here, n ah’ve nae complaints, jist as long as the name Lawson’s kept oaf the certificates. Too fuckin true!
    Baith Suzanne n Yvette are independent women, n ah think ah’m ootay the woods now, but people and thair circumstances fuckin well change. Ye cannae droap yir guard cause the CSA’s goat long airms. Well, thir no gittin intae these fuckin poakits . . .
    Ah’ve double-backed doon Prinny n ah’m headin up the Mound. Cunt in the back’s goat a coupon oan um so ah’d better start gabbin if ah want tae sniff oot a tip. — So what’s it ye dae yirsel, mate?
    — Medicine.
    — Doaktir, aye?
    — Of sorts. I’m a specialist, the cunt goes, lookin ootside. — Why are we going this way?
    — Trams . . . one-wey system . . . re-routed . . . council . . . So what d’ye specialise in? See me? Ah specialise in love. Mind that song? Sharon Broon? ‘Ah Specialise in Lurve’ . . . mind that yin? Naw?
    — I don’t think so.
    Blood oot ay a fuckin stane wi some cunts. — What’s it you specialise in then, mate?
    — Gynaecology.
    — Gyn-a-fuckin . . . ya cunt! Ah nearly run through a rid light cause ay turnin back tae the boy. Eh snaps forward in the seat. As well eh belted up or the poor cunt would have squished through the Judas Hole n been sittin in strips oan ma fuckin lap! — Sorry, mate . . . ah wis jist thinkin, you’ve probably seen mair fannies than me! Yir no wantin an assistant, ur ye?
    The guy pushes ehsel back in the seat. — I don’t really think –
    — Tell ye what, mate, ah ken my wey aroond a burd’s fanny! Tell ye that fir nowt! Ah’ve mibbe no goat aw the technical terms like you, but ah ken when ye push this button, BANG! This happens! Fill that hole, WHAM! Ya cunt ye, ah goes as a lorry tries tae cut ays oaf as wi rumble doon taewards Cameron Toll.
    — Thank you. I’ll bear that sterling advice in mind, the boy says, but then the mobby goes off, nowt unusual aboot that, but the name THE POOF comes up on caller ID. Ah ignores it but ah’d better git doon tae the cunt’s sauna soon and take a wee peek.
    Ah’m no keen on this gig, cause once ye git tagged a criminal, crime comes lookin for ye. Ah’m nae gangster or career tea leaf or drug dealer, but ah never look a gift horse in the mooth. If somebody offers ye a wee tickle n it looks tasty, then aye. But thaire’s bams whae outline the maist pointless, ludicrous jailbait propositions, jist usually cause thir lookin for something tae dae, a bit ay adventure. Ye tell these cunts, nicely of course: git tae fuck. Drug dealin is a big risk and a load ay hassle for no much reward. Cabbyin’s borin, n scud’s a nice wee earner for the luxuries, but ye cannae rely oan it. I’ll dae bits for Connor, but no for Tyrone or The Poof if ah kin help it. The supervision ay scrubbers n pimps, well, it’s jist no ma bag, ay.
    — This is the Infirmary, if you just pull in here, a voice comes fae the back.
    — Sound. Gaun intae look at some mair fannies then, mate?
    — Something like that.
    — It’s tough shift, but some cunt’s goat tae it! Come tae think ay it, ah git tae look at a loat ay fannies in the back ay this cab. Usually no the kind ye want but, ay-no, mate?
    — I suppose not . . . Well, thank you.
    — Tell ays one thing, mate, gaun back tae the technical side, like. Ken how Eskimos huv goat a thousand words fir snaw, youse boys, gynaecologists, huv youse goat the same fir fannies, aye? Bet yis huv, ah goes, daein the auld trick ay no openin the doors until the wallet comes oot, n above aw, keep talkin! The guy peys me way too much; result! A fucker like that wid nivir huv tipped if ah wis a sooir-faced cunt. That mumpy cunt Doughheid, he eywis moans aboot the tips. It’s cause yir a sooir-faced cunt, ah ey tells um.
    But this boy’s