18 Things Read Online Free PDF Page B

filled with stories of Conner, so I wouldn’t forget, but today, I read the one about my reoccurring dream where faceless Conner haunted me.
    I’m alone, running home from the hospital in the dark. A black-hooded, faceless figure follows me. I sprint into Conner’s massive Victorian house, locking the door quickly, then hurry down the stairs to his basement bedroom. There’s a chair by the sliding glass door, with its back to me, rocking slowly. In the window, I notice a girl’s reflection holding something, but I can’t make out what.
    I curiously approach the chair, then peer over the girl’s shoulder. I spot the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen, dressed in a white christening gown. I walk around the chair, to see who the mother is, and jerk back when I see myself. The only exception being I am faceless, just like the hooded figure chasing me moments before. Startled, I draw in a breath. I turn to the sliding glass door, ready to run again, but it opens before I reach it. The hooded figure floats in, lifts his finger and points at me. “You were supposed to save me.” It’s Conner’s voice.
    Dr. Judy remained quiet for a moment. I was thankful for the secretary’s reception area buffering Dr. Judy’s office from the waiting room. Otherwise, I’d be a little paranoid Nate could overhear my whole psychosis.
    Sweat beaded on my forehead, the papers shaking in my hands as I waited for her response.
    “Well, the dream actually makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? I mean, Conner is wearing black, representing death. You’re faceless, like his ghost, because you don’t view yourself as having a future anymore. You feel dead spiritually and emotionally speaking. Not only did you suddenly lose your best friend, whom you love, but also the many dreams you had for your future, like maybe even having a child together some day. Am I right?”
    I wondered how she became so wise. I was book smart but not wise. Of course she was right, but saying so would’ve hurt too much. My gaze flickered to the framed picture of Grand Haven Pier hanging behind her desk.
    Dr. Judy turned, admired the photo for a moment. “Have you visited his gravesite yet?”
    “He was cremated.” My voice came out subdued, trancelike. I could force myself into a trance whenever I wanted, so I didn’t have to feel things. The outside world disappeared around me, like staring into one of those 3D pictures for a really long time. “They scattered his ashes on Lake Michigan.”
    Why, why would they do that? No, don’t think, don’t feel.
    Though thin and delicate, Dr. Judy stared hard at me now. “That’s what I mean. I think it could be cathartic for you to take a boat ride again. Send up some balloons, or leave a message in a bottle. It’s time to face your fears and release this guilt you’re holding onto.”
    My heartbeat thundered in my ears. “I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself, no matter how many balloons I release.”
    “A person with no forgiveness in their heart for the things they’ve done is doing nobody any favors. It’s a punishment worse than death, worse than Hell. Is condemning yourself really what you want? What Conner would want?” She reached across her desk and grabbed a piece of pretty stationary and a fancy pen. “For you.”
    “For me? For what?” I asked, rearranging my position on the chair so I sat cross-legged.
    Her mouth curved into a knowing smile. “Grief never ends.”
    Duh!
Anyone who looked at my face could make that assessment. Some days my grief only hurt a little, like being electrocuted by a tiny spark when plugging in something. Other days, my sorrow used a jackhammer to excavate my heart.
    “Are you listening to me, Olga?” She leaned across the desk toward me. “You won’t ever forget Conner’s death. But you can learn how to live with the loss, make the pain manageable enough to overcome it. Maybe you’re not ready to let go of your guilt yet, but you could write it down as